Alexander Block. A stranger

At night, when restaurant rows are opening,
The air’s wild, thick and dry,
An evil spirit, hot and rottening,
Is orchestrating drunken cries.

Far, where the road dust is covering
The boredom of the cottage sites,
A baker’s pretzel gilded ivory
Is rattling, and a child cries.

Each evening, past the railroad barriers,
Princocks in trendy bowler hats
Walk their mistresses like terriers
Around the potholes, cracking wits.
 
The lake is still, orelocks squeak angrily,
And one can hear women’s shrieks.
High in the sky, so used to everything,
Grins senselessly the silver disc.

Each evening I enjoy the company
Of my reflection in the glass,
While we are both muffled calmingly
With magic liquid shared by us.

Among the tables, where the waiters are
Daydreaming like some autumn flies,
The drunkards cry “In vino veritas!”
And stare with reddened rabbit eyes. 

Each evening at a certain hour
(Or am I tricked by sleepy brain?)
A girl in silk with mystic power
Is moving in a misty frame.

She paves her way through drunkurds slowly
And breathes in fragrances and grace,
Without an escort, always solely,
She takes a lonely window place.

They all awake the ancient memories,
Some legends of a distant land –
Tight silk, her hat with mournful feathering,
Her ringed aristocratic hand.

I, stunned with intimacy ghostlike,
Try seeing through her murky veil
And recognize enchanted coast line
And see enchanted river vale.

I am entrusted something sinister,
Like having someone’s sun assigned,
And all my inner soul meanders
Are pierced with the astringent wine.

The ostrich feathers sway, monotonous,
In my intoxicated gloom,
And eyes, cerulean and bottomless,
On a remote coast bloom.

My soul has locked the hidden treasure in,
The key to it is only mine.
A drunken beast, this thought is pleasuring:
You’re right – the truth is in the wine.

(from Russian)


НЕЗНАКОМКА
Александр Блок


По вечерам над ресторанами
Горячий воздух дик и глух,
И правит окриками пьяными
Весенний и тлетворный дух.

Вдали, над пылью переулочной,
Над скукой загородных дач,
Чуть золотится крендель булочной,
И раздается детский плач.

И каждый вечер, за шлагбаумами,
Заламывая котелки,
Среди канав гуляют с дамами
Испытанные остряки.

Над озером скрипят уключины,
И раздается женский визг,
А в небе, ко всему приученный,
Бессмысленно кривится диск.

И каждый вечер друг единственный
В моем стакане отражен
И влагой терпкой и таинственной,
Как я, смирен и оглушен.

А рядом у соседних столиков
Лакеи сонные торчат,
И пьяницы с глазами кроликов
«In vino Veritas!» кричат.

И каждый вечер, в час назначенный,
(Иль это только снится мне?)
Девичий стан, шелками схваченный,
В туманном движется окне.

И медленно, пройдя меж пьяными,
Всегда без спутников, одна,
Дыша духами и туманами,
Она садится у окна.

И веют древними поверьями
Ее упругие шелка,
И шляпа с траурными перьями,
И в кольцах узкая рука.

И странной близостью закованный
Смотрю за темную вуаль,
И вижу берег очарованный
И очарованную даль.

Глухие тайны мне поручены,
Мне чье-то солнце вручено,
И все души моей излучины
Пронзило терпкое вино.

И перья страуса склоненные
В моем качаются мозгу,
И очи синие бездонные
Цветут на дальнем берегу.

В моей душе лежит сокровище,
И ключ поручен только мне!
Ты право, пьяное чудовище!
Я знаю: истина в вине.


Рецензии
I don't feel a strong match between the original and the translation. Many images / terms are too literal and don't convey the mood well. You don't have to use literal words like "black silk" or "orchestrating" or "spirit" - they focus me on the details and distract from the overall impression. I stumble.

I would try something like this:

At night, when restaurants are crowded,
The scorching air is vile and mute,
And drunken hollering gets louder,
Led by the deadly springtime mood.

This may not be ideal, either, and I'm not saying my own translation of this amazing poem was better, but I'm trying my best to get rid of details and just convey the scene. Details are inconsequential inasmuch as they just serve to build the big picture. I want the image, not the individual brushstrokes. The devil in this poem is that the details are very rich, precise, colorful - but they don't show by themselves. In your translations, they show as standalone.

Not sure if I'm making good sense, but I invite you to work more on this. Hope this helps.

Евгения Саркисьянц   09.02.2025 17:25     Заявить о нарушении
Dear Zhanya, goos to hear from you, you know how valuable your comments always are. However, in this particular case I would rather disagree. To me the details are extremely important in this poem. Just take away the black silk and mournful ostrich feathers - and the charm is gone. It is sone paradox - these details in the original poem do not distract you - and in the translation, which carefully tries to preserve every detail they do. It is a fundamental discussion about any translation: should a translator try to create equally compelling (or even genious) poem which produces the same emotional effect with means that may differ from the original (but who will judge ans confirm the authentic impression) - or try to use words with the most close meanings, anticipating that such words should produce a very similar effect, based on their meaning and nuances of their use and interpretations? I would rather stick to the latter.

Валентин Емелин   09.02.2025 20:32   Заявить о нарушении
in essence it is the same old disussion about the “spirit” and the “letter”. The way I feel about this translation is that for me it sounds very close, the English variant produces the same (in sone places stronger) emotions compared to the original.

Валентин Емелин   09.02.2025 20:38   Заявить о нарушении
It’s ironic, though, that your criticism (and I value it a lot!) is aiming primarily at the first stanza, where I have drifted from the literal translation the farthest, introducing the evil spirit of the place, which is how I feel the text - and that is what you are suggesting! You should have rather criticized me for the departure from the text:)) I will think about the opening.

Валентин Емелин   09.02.2025 20:58   Заявить о нарушении
I did a very poor job explaining :)

In the original, the details don't stick out. They are layered seamlessly. I'm not saying, get rid of them. Keep them, just layer them more smoothly. For example, you translated "правит" as "orchestrating" - that level of specificity makes the detail stick out, I'm literally imagining someone with a baton orchestrating something, and that gets in the way in my perception of the overall scene. Blok never said, "дирижирует". Imagine if he said that.

I only focused on the first lines because I ran out of time to focus on the rest haha :)But let's say "restaurant rows" - too specific? Maybe not, but I'm trying to suggest you check every detail for unneeded specificity, so you can work it in without a distracting independent flavor. Kind of like you mix ten different spices in the recipe, but in such a way that you can't tell each individual spice, you just taste the overall flavor created by ten spices. If you remove one of ten spices, the taste will change, so you shouldn't remove any of them, just mix them in a better proportion.

That's obviously your call, because your own reading is the best gauge of smoothness. If it reads smooth to you as is, then I rest my case.

I will follow up with suggestions about a few specific places, e.g, "rottening" should be either "rotting" or "rotten", etc. - to be continued.



Евгения Саркисьянц   10.02.2025 15:37   Заявить о нарушении
Thanks, Zhanya, more clear now, points taken. Further comments are appreciated.

Валентин Емелин   10.02.2025 17:29   Заявить о нарушении
re: rottening - an interesting discussion in American English http://www.reddit.com/r/Appalachia/comments/uwenj4/do_you_say_use_the_word_rottening_sometimes_in/
but I don't insist, will be working on it.

Валентин Емелин   10.02.2025 17:53   Заявить о нарушении
OK I'm back as promised :) Here are the little things:

1. "cries" used twice "drunken cries" and "child cries"
2. past the railroad barriers
3. Like terriers
4. Ditches - suggest you change to potholes
5. I'd say "the" silver disc, we know which disc this is
6. muffled calmingly - too much of the same thing, suggest you replace "calmingly"
7. with the magic liquid
8. the waiters
9. daydreaming doesn't work. Autumn flies are dormant, not fantasizing
10. at a certain hour
11. by my sleepy brain
12. in the misty frame?
13. through the drunkards (also correct the spelling "drunkurds")
14. Breathes fragrances and grace (take out "with")
15. Solely doesn't work, maybe "all by herself, without company"
16. I'd say "and they awaken ancient memories"
17. Why "dark" legends? Too dark :)
18. Her silks, the hat with mournful feathering (again, I would avoid "black", too photographic, it needs to be imagined but not explicit)
19. Aristocratic? Too explicit again. "the jewels on her slender hand" or something
20. an enchanted coast line, an enchanted river
21. entrusted with
22. with the astringent wine
23. The ostrich feathers, the eyes
24. The drunken beast

Sorry about the delay, hope this helps!

Евгения Саркисьянц   17.02.2025 04:37   Заявить о нарушении
thank you so much, Zhanya, very useful. Some are easy, some are not. Articles are always a problem. I have a feeling, that in verse they can be sometimes omitted, but that is, perhaps, a Russian aberration.
Reading your February. Mixed feelings, because of the different rhythm. The task is very complicated, but I would have chosen (as a compromise) to add two syllables. Smth like: It's February. Get some ink and groan. Or: It's February. Get some ink, shed tears.

Валентин Емелин   17.02.2025 20:13   Заявить о нарушении
Yes, true, agree about the rhythm in "February." It's an old, long-shelved translation work, I finally decided to post as is, but I'm not ecstatic about it either.

Евгения Саркисьянц   18.02.2025 17:27   Заявить о нарушении
at the second glance I am more happy with it. Not bad at all, compromises here are inevitable. Though I somehow feel that the last stanza has a slightly different meaning, or a nuance of meaning.

Валентин Емелин   18.02.2025 18:44   Заявить о нарушении
На это произведение написаны 4 рецензии, здесь отображается последняя, остальные - в полном списке.