Алёна Емелина. Такая простота
Оригинал: http://stihi.ru/2010/09/08/7397
Such plainness...
To breathe in and embrace
the misty fragrance
and the frosty sweet
over the argent
of the melting snow.
Such blankness ...
An observer is dissolved
into the silver dark
of trunks and rocky slopes,
and greenness
of the icy fir-trees.
Such quietness...
An ear relaxed
is tuned to hear the Sound,
the Voice, the Word,
creating all the Being
from the Name.
Alyona Yemelina. Such plainnes
© Copyright: Валентин Емелин, 2012
Свидетельство о публикации №112093005192
Свидетельство о публикации №112093005192
Рецензии
Too many "ness"'s: sweetness, whiteness, blankness, darkness, greenness, quietness. Was it your deliberate choice?
"To breathe and to embrace..." doesn't quite say "your breath is one with..."
I would use "fragrance" instead of "sweetness", "thawed" instead of "melted", "void" instead of "blankness", etc. - I think you need to reconsider your word choice in quite a few places.
"Total" blankness and "totally" relaxed - I would avoid "total" altogether.
"Such simplicity" - the article not needed.
Best,
Janya
Евгения Саркисьянц 01.10.2012 04:50 • Заявить о нарушении
"To breathe and to embrace..." doesn't quite say "your breath is one with..."
I would use "fragrance" instead of "sweetness", "thawed" instead of "melted", "void" instead of "blankness", etc. - I think you need to reconsider your word choice in quite a few places.
"Total" blankness and "totally" relaxed - I would avoid "total" altogether.
"Such simplicity" - the article not needed.
Best,
Janya
Евгения Саркисьянц 01.10.2012 04:50 • Заявить о нарушении
Janya, many thx!!
Deliberate choice, yes - however it seems like annoying? Ness sounded to me a perfect equivalent of "silence of emptiness"
It should have been somewhat rhyming, as in the original - thus void is not a good choice: blankness is the word, since it is a "white emptiness" - void to me is smth abs black, a cosmic vacuum, black soul void etc.
Can't use fragrance instead of sweetness, since it belongs to different objects. Can replace scent, but too long
Total, yes - it is a sort of a parasite
Are u sure about the article? Then - applied in all 3 cases?
Валентин Емелин 01.10.2012 06:30 Заявить о нарушении
Deliberate choice, yes - however it seems like annoying? Ness sounded to me a perfect equivalent of "silence of emptiness"
It should have been somewhat rhyming, as in the original - thus void is not a good choice: blankness is the word, since it is a "white emptiness" - void to me is smth abs black, a cosmic vacuum, black soul void etc.
Can't use fragrance instead of sweetness, since it belongs to different objects. Can replace scent, but too long
Total, yes - it is a sort of a parasite
Are u sure about the article? Then - applied in all 3 cases?
Валентин Емелин 01.10.2012 06:30 Заявить о нарушении