I Have News!!!

I have news—did you know what transpired?
I have snooped, I have searched and inquired.
I have used all procedures required.

I have Instagrammed, googled and tweeted.
All my quota these searches depleted.
I bought more and my snooping repeated.

I have watched; I have listened, attended,
paying heed to the things that have trended.
I can say that my methods were splendid!

I have eavesdropped on all conversations:
neighbors talking ‘bout cities and nations,
such as Thracians, Galatians, Croatians.

I’ve consulted all manner of seers
who know planets and omens and spheres:
keen observers of worries and fears.

I have also surveyed premonitions—
an assortment of wary suspicions—
from a wealth of divergent positions.

And I’m here to relate my conclusion,
to dispel any kind of illusion,
to avoid misconception, confusion.

My report is a certified kicker,
coming off the proverbial ticker,
yours in seconds or probably quicker.

Brace yourself for the awesome disclosure!
Do not lose your discerning composure,
for I promise from hence will come closure.

Here it goes... I shall trumpet with pleasure:
it’s your birthday! Beyond any measure
that's the news for the planet to treasure.