I Have News!!!
I have snooped, I have searched and inquired.
I have used all procedures required.
I have Instagrammed, googled and tweeted.
All my quota these searches depleted.
I bought more and my snooping repeated.
I have watched; I have listened, attended,
paying heed to the things that have trended.
I can say that my methods were splendid!
I have eavesdropped on all conversations:
neighbors talking ‘bout cities and nations,
such as Thracians, Galatians, Croatians.
I’ve consulted all manner of seers
who know planets and omens and spheres:
keen observers of worries and fears.
I have also surveyed premonitions—
an assortment of wary suspicions—
from a wealth of divergent positions.
And I’m here to relate my conclusion,
to dispel any kind of illusion,
to avoid misconception, confusion.
My report is a certified kicker,
coming off the proverbial ticker,
yours in seconds or probably quicker.
Brace yourself for the awesome disclosure!
Do not lose your discerning composure,
for I promise from hence will come closure.
Here it goes... I shall trumpet with pleasure:
it’s your birthday! Beyond any measure
that's the news for the planet to treasure.
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