The alarm I set for the pills

My phone is ringing, it is time to take
The pill that helps me to go through my day!
Slowly, but surely, it's healing the mess
That I am! Even though there are side effects.

Very unpleasant ones, to be honest.
But that's how it works.
Right?
Is that how it works?
Well, l suppose, before it gets better
It's gotta get worse.
Right?

At least I'm not anxious, this is a win -
It's my turn to not care about anything.
About all the things I feared for no reason
And of the prospect of getting deceased.

Wait.

It should not be like this, am I right?
Something is broken inside of my mind,
I mean, even further than it was before.
But it is my turn to not care, so I don't.

Wait.

Who said that? "My turn"? Was that me?
If this is the case, then what did I mean?
Who am I talking about? That is weird.
Okay. For a moment I swear I could hear

Trapped in his own head, oblivious Elliot,
Humming the song "Turn Up The Radio"
Over and over again in my ears.

Wait.

It's the alarm I set for the pills!

I just fell asleep, oh, what a relief!
It was just a dream, there's nothing to fear!
And even if there was, what difference would that make?
I have to hurry while I'm still awake.

My phone is ringing, it is time to take
The pill that is probably killing me.
Slowly, indirectly.
I'm well aware
The doctor I saw just once did not care
Prescribing me this, but
It's all that I have.

It's better than nothing. There is no way
I'm facing *those* feelings ever again.

Even insistent suicidal thoughts
Are better than... Well, whatever *that* was.
At least I'm not anxious, this is a win -
It's my turn to not care about anything.

I am not healing. Makes me disappointed
To even recall that doctor's appointment.
She didn't care, was rude and annoyed
By me for the reasons I cannot pinpoint.

She messed my already twisted mind up.
Ah! That's who I was talking about!


January, 3, 2025