Always the same

I don't understand. Do I feel attracted
To some random person I met at a party?
It's always the same. I can see the pattern.
I'm not just attracted, I'm looking for trouble.

Nothing of this should bother me, really.
You looking my way
or you standing near me.
The fact that when we,
you and me,
had been cleaning
The floor from your drink,
when you awkwardly spilled it
And were yelled at,
like that's something disastrous,
Our fingertips touched
through the wet napkins.

Briefly. Just once. Nothing important here.
What did you say? You have read my poetry?
And liked it a lot? That is really bad.
You shouldn't have said to me any of that!

And I may be crazy, but did you imply
That I am too pretty and cute for a guy?
That time when we went to smoke outside,
A small group without
your loved one in sight.

I was so afraid of the possible answer
That I just decided to not even ask you.
It can't be the case, am I right? Can it be?
Your significant one is quite literally here.
You are *not* this way and you're taken. That's why
I'd not try my chances. There's nothing to try.

You did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong.
No flirting or hinting at something at all.
But why do I feel like I'm guilty? Of what?
Of feeling the feeling I felt? I am not.

You were simply kind, complimenting my art,
Were curious how come I'm dressed up like that,
Were grateful I helped you with cleaning the mess,
Were tipsy and friendly, no more and no less.

I was processing my feelings that evening
"Delusion", I smiled, "Craziness, even!"
So I pushed the thoughts right after the process
About this complete and absolute nonsense

Away, with my full force, as far as I could.
Hello for the first time
And goodbye for good.


December, 22, 2024