Mind Terror. F25. 11 ICD-10

i don't know if love was ever there,
in my cold and roughened hands
perhaps i wore gloves unaware
and ruined all its plans

was i ever someone's first desire,
or just a second voice?
i still run from the sun's warm fire,
afraid of its joys

sympathy is my fear number zero,
and addiction is the one
guess he remembers me as a weirdo
comparing to his new hun

am i living or just waiting the end?
and if somebody came after me
i wouldn’t lie, i wouldn’t defend.

would they see the cracks i hide,
or just the walls i've built too high?
would they reach the truth inside,
or leave me again without goodbye?

i wonder if i'm lost or found,
caught between the hope and doubt.
a quiet life with no one around,
or voices that i can't tune out

the mirror shows a face i know
but feels so distant and strange.
am i just watching time go slow,
too scared to dream, too scared to change?..

and yet, beneath this fragile shell,
i keep a flame that won't die out.
it flickers in this lonely hell,
a spark of something, small yet stout.

through fragile, flame burns bright,
a reminder that i'm still here.
in the darkest hours of the night,
it pushes back against the fear.

for even in this endless grey,
where shadows often lead the way,
there's something deep within that stays,
a whisper that i can't betray.

it tells me there's more yet to find,
beyond the silence and the pain.
perhaps one day, with peace of mind,
i'll step into the sun again.

but terror stalks the corners still,
a ghost of doubt, a restless chill.
it whispers that the fall will come,
and all i've built will be undone.

yet i cling to that fleeting light,
in battles fought beyond my sight.
for in this storm inside my head,
not all is lost, not all is dead.