Commonly Used Phrases That Make You Sound Rude

4 Commonly Used Phrases That Make You Sound Rude Even When You Don't Mean to Be

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Four Yellow Comic Bubbles On Red Background
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I've used every one of these. Have you?

Chances are, you don't intend to sound rude or unpleasant when talking to your friends, partner, colleagues, or employees. But some commonly used words and sentences can make you come across that way, even thought it's unintentional, according to John Bowe, a public speaking and communication expert.


In a piece for CNBC.com, Bowe describes seven common phrases that people with "poor speech etiquette" tend to use--often without realizing how those phrases make them sound. It's well worth checking out the whole list. Here are four that I've said myself--and hope to never say again.

1. "Do you want to...?"
This phrase is perfectly fine, Bowe says, if you are actually asking somebody what they want, as in, "Do you want to go to the movies tomorrow?" But it will come across as rude if you are in fact telling someone what you want them to do, not asking them what they want.
For example: "Do you want to get that report to me today? I need it for the meeting tomorrow." In cases like that, Bowe writes, "its indirect fake-politeness comes across as belittling."


What should you say instead? Be straightforward, and make it clear that you're making a request or issuing an instruction. To be polite, preface your request with "Will you do me a favor?" or use the word "please." Put it that way, and the person you're speaking with will likely want to comply, he says. "People generally like to pitch in. But they don't like to feel manipulated."

2. "Figure out a way."
You might say something like this to encourage the other person to get better at solving problems on their own. Or you may genuinely not care about their struggles. Either way, you'll come off sounding not only rude, but mean, Bowe writes. "While it's important to delegate, leadership demands that if an employee needs help or tries to communicate about a roadblock, your job is to help them work through it--not to insult them."


Instead, ask them to tell you more about the obstacles they've encountered. Chances are you can help them figure out a workable approach. But you may also discover that what they're trying to do won't work. You'll never know unless you talk about it with them.

3. "Obviously."
What's wrong with "obviously"? "This word subtly or not-so-subtly conveys that anyone disagreeing with the speaker is wrong," Bowe writes. "Even if you don't realize it, using it can make you seem arrogant."

You don't need to replace this word with anything--you're better off just skipping it, he adds. And who knows? If you don't make it sound like your opinion is obviously the right one, you may discover that others see things differently.

4. "I was just kidding."
"Can't you take a joke?" "Don't you have a sense of humor?" All of these are really good phrases to remove from your vocabulary forever.

Why? Because it doesn't really matter whether you meant something to be humorous. If you've hurt or offended someone, what matters is their feelings, not your intentions. And clearly, your joke wasn't so funny after all. Most of use "just kidding" to avoid a much more important phrase that we should say more often: "I'm sorry."

There's a growing audience of Inc.com readers who receive a daily text from me with a self-care or motivational micro-challenge or tip. Often, they text me back and we wind up in a conversation. (Want to learn more? Here's some information about the texts and a special invitation to an extended free trial.) Many are entrepreneurs or business leaders and they know how important it is to be aware of how they come across to others, and to avoid sounding rude or high-handed. Eliminating these four phrases can help.

This post originally appeared at inc.com.

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