18 Gaslighting Phrases

18 Gaslighting Phrases That May Be Damaging Your Relationships
Story by Erica Sweeney •
17m
18 Gaslighting Phrases That May Be Damaging Your Relationships
Auto Rotation Off
Full screen
1 of 22 Photos in Gallery©Malte Mueller / Getty Images

18 Gaslighting Phrases That May Be Damaging Your Relationships
Gaslighting can occur in unique ways in some of the most damaging, unhealthy relationships, where the other party manipulates conversations to minimize your feelings. But there are hallmark expressions and tactics that most can learn to associate with this toxic practice once they've learned to do so — “You’re blowing things way out of proportion.” “You’re misunderstanding what I’m saying.” “You’re just crazy.” If you're catching yourself recognizing these phrases while confronting your partner, sibling or your boss, all while constantly second-guessing yourself or apologizing for things you can't recall, you've fallen victim to gaslighting.

Gaslighting takes place when someone “tries to get another person or a group of people to question or doubt their own beliefs or their own reality,” explains Danielle Hairston, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry and psychiatry residency training director at Howard University. “It’s a manipulation tactic.”

She adds that gaslighters accuse their victims of exaggerating or misunderstanding a situation and sometimes deny that an event ever happened. This leaves victims of gaslighting questioning a past or present situation, as well as the intentions of others’ statements or actions and whether they’re reacting appropriately.

What is gaslighting, exactly?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, where someone is manipulated into “doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events,” according to the American Psychological Association (APA). It previously referred to extreme manipulation that could lead to someone developing a mental illness or needing to be committed to a psychiatric institution, but the APA says it’s used more generally now.

The term originated from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton and the 1944 film adaptation Gaslight. In the movie, a wife starts to doubt her sanity after her manipulative husband starts slowly dimming the gas lamps in their home and making other changes to their environment. When she brings it up, he tells her she’s forgetful, imagining things and behaving oddly, and isolates her from others.

Gaslighters strive to make someone lose trust and confidence in themselves or feel confused about reality, Dr. Hairston says, “It’s trying to distract you or deflect guilt or accountability and responsibility. Sometimes, it’s even harsher, like someone is trying to belittle you or damage or chip away at your self-esteem.”

What are the signs you're being gaslighted in an argument?
Gaslighters manipulate by deflecting or shifting blame or outright denying something happened, Dr. Hairston says. If you’re experiencing gaslighting, you may:

Doubt your feelings, beliefs, thoughts and reality
Question your perceptions and judgment
Feel alone, powerless, or inadequate
Feel confused
Apologize frequently
Second guess your feelings, memories and decisions
Worry that you’re too sensitive or that’s something wrong with you
Have trouble making decisions
Think others dislike you without cause

Here are 18 common phrases gaslighters often use when confronted, and more information below about how you can empower yourself to respond to gaslighting. You can also use the details below if you find yourself gaslighting others.


"You're crazy."
This is a common phrase that gaslighters use to avoid taking responsibility or being accountable for their actions, Dr. Hairston says. It leads the victim to self-doubt and question the reality of the situation, and worry about their own judgment and sanity.


“So and so thinks you’re crazy, too.”
Since isolation is a key tactic of gaslighting, perpetrators try to make you feel alone or powerless. Usually, instead of using specific names, gaslighters will use general terms like, “everyone thinks there’s something wrong with you” or “all our friends know you have problems,” explains Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free. “I call them invisible armies,” she says. “They’ll use this as a backup of people who aren’t there to solidify their point.”


“It didn’t happen that way.”
Telling a victim that something never happened or that it occurred differently than how they remember is a covert form of gaslighting, Sarkis says. It causes someone to doubt their perceptions and feel confused. “It can be very traumatic,” Dr. Hairston said. “It can be a very negative experience when you’re trying to express something that happened and someone is repeatedly telling you, ‘No, it didn’t happen.’”

“That never happened.”
Making you doubt your memory or reality is a covert, passive-aggressive tactic of gaslighting, Sarkis says. Telling someone that something didn’t happen is a common phrase that downplays someone’s experiences and feelings. This comment can be especially harmful if it revolves around a traumatic event.

“That’s not what I meant.”
This statement enables a gaslighter to avoid taking responsibility. Discrediting a person’s opinion, personal experience, credibility or intelligence are common gaslighting tactics, explains Jennifer Douglas, Ph.D., assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine.

“If you cared about me, you would ___”
In romantic relationships, a gaslighter may use their partner’s love against them as a way to excuse their own bad behavior. They may also incorrectly accuse partners of cheating or causing problems in the relationship. So they’ll say things like, “If you cared about me, you would let me look through your phone,” Sarkis says, which forces a victim to break down their boundaries. “The purpose is to undermine your sense of reality and to make you feel like you can’t trust yourself,” she says.

"You always blow things out of proportion."
Absolutisms like always, never, everyone and no one are “red flags” of gaslighting, Sarkis says. Accusing someone of overreacting trivializes a victim’s feelings and makes them feel like their judgment of the situation is skewed.

“This is why you don’t have friends.”
This statement is meant to attack someone’s self-worth and alienate them from others — so they’re more dependent on the gaslighter. Perpetrators may also attack your friends or families or suggest that you stay away from certain people. Dr. Hairston says this can be a subtle type of manipulation.

“Don’t get so worked up over this.”
Similar to telling someone that they’re crazy or overreacting, this statement discredits or minimizes a victim’s intelligence, emotions, or credibility, Douglas says. It’s essentially telling someone how they should feel, possibly making them worry that they aren’t reacting appropriately.

“You can’t take a joke.”
Gaslighters often say this to get away with hurtful comments. They may also start saying hurtful things in a joking way to normalize the situation. Hearing this phrase might lead you to second-guess your reactions and perception

“You have no clue about ____.”
Manipulators often blame someone else for a problem in a relationship, while taking the attention off of themselves. For example, Sarkis says, gaslighters might say, “You have no clue how to manage money. We’re in debt because of you.” When in fact, the gaslighter is the one who’s overspending.

“You made me do ___.”
Deflecting and confusing a victim are hallmarks of gaslighting, and perpetrators often refuse to take responsibility for their actions, Dr. Hairston says. Gaslighters might accuse their victim of deliberately provoking them and then blame the victim when they get angry. Victims might feel the need to apologize even when they know they haven’t done anything wrong.

“I’m the only one who’s responsible in this relationship.”
Research published in the American Sociological Review noted the story of a woman whose partner would steal her money and then accuse her of losing it and being “careless” with money. “The purpose is to undermine your sense of reality and to make you feel like you can’t trust yourself,” Sarkis says.


“The kids know you’re not a good parent.”
This remark aims to cause “parental alienation,” Sarkis says, which causes victims to second-guess their actions, diminishes their self-esteem, and makes them believe others think badly of them. “They want you to get upset so you align more with the gaslighter,” she adds.

Who are they going to believe?”
Gaslighting usually features an unequal power dynamic. Sarkis says this comment might come from your boss or a spouse who may have more clout in the community in an attempt to make you feel powerless. “They might say, ‘If you say something, who are they going to believe, me or the crazy person?’” she adds.

"You're too sensitive."
If you try to express hurt or other emotions, a gaslighter may say this to minimize and invalidate your feelings. The best way to respond is to stand your ground, Dr. Hairston says, “You should say, ‘Well, I don’t feel like I’m being sensitive. I’m trying to get my point across and express myself.’”

“Just don’t worry about it now.”
Once a gaslighter gets their victim upset, they might say this, especially if the victim tries to call them out. The goal is to minimize someone’s feelings so that they doubt their emotions or worry that they’re being too sensitive. “The core idea to look out for is the discrediting of one person’s opinion and personal experience,” Douglas says.

“You’re gaslighting me.”
Shifting blame is a common gaslighting tactic. Accusing the victim of being the gaslighter causes confusion, makes them question the situation, and draws attention away from the true gaslighter’s harmful behavior, Sarkis says.