Ужас Н. Гумилёва на английском языке
I trod the corridors forlorn
Where hostile silence lurked around
Under the gazes full of scorn
Of statues niched that gravely frowned
That dream was still and full of gloom
The sombre space seemed grey and odd
And like a pendulum of doom
My step resounded as I trod
And there — where darkness lay the thickest
My fearful eyes had been dismayed
By an obscure and ominous figure
That loomed in other statues' shade
I then approached, and primal horror
Imbued its fangs into my soul
I saw in this delirious torpor
A hyena's head malformed and foul
In blood was the pointy muzzle tainted
The hollow orbits gaped with void
The rasping timbre snarled with hatred:
"You've strayed too far, with you I'll toy!"
Moments of dread ran by insanely
And haze deluged the ancient hall
With the pallid horror still remaining
In countless mirrors on the walls
Оригинал:
Я долго шёл по коридорам,
Кругом, как враг, таилась тишь.
На пришлеца враждебным взором
Смотрели статуи из ниш.
В угрюмом сне застыли вещи,
Был странен серый полумрак,
И точно маятник зловещий,
Звучал мой одинокий шаг.
И там, где глубже сумрак хмурый,
Мой взор горящий был смущён
Едва заметною фигурой
В тени столпившихся колонн.
Я подошёл, и вот мгновенный,
Как зверь, в меня вцепился страх:
Я встретил голову гиены
На стройных девичьих плечах.
На острой морде кровь налипла,
Глаза зияли пустотой,
И мерзко крался шопот хриплый:
«Ты сам пришёл сюда, ты мой!»
Мгновенья страшные бежали,
И наплывала полумгла,
И бледный ужас повторяли
Бесчисленные зеркала.
Свидетельство о публикации №121083005401
The dream was still and full of gloom (just two lines after "full of scorn")
The sombre space seemed grey and odd (too much rhythmical similarity with the first line, "full of gloom" vs. "grey and odd" makes it sound mechanical, kind of like "one and two")
And like a pendulum of doom (love this phrase, but I'd try to avoid rhyming "doom" and "gloom")
My step resounded as I trod
And where the darkness lay the thickest (an extra syllable, distracts from the flow)
My fearful eyes have been dismayed ("have been" feels odd, again as if you put it there mechanically, to keep the line going)
By an obscure and ominous figure
That loomed in other statues' shade ("other" doesn't make sense, and then "столпившихся колонн" - which sounds so ominous - is lost in translation)
I would say, try not to follow the original to the letter. Your job is to produce the dreadful sensation of approaching horror, while individual words can stray away from the original somewhat. A challenge, no doubt. I'm not sure I would be up to the task! But I think you can do it.
Feel free to disagree!
Евгения Саркисьянц 05.09.2021 20:11 Заявить о нарушении
Данила Яковлев 08.09.2021 00:29 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 09.09.2021 14:51 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 17.09.2021 20:35 Заявить о нарушении