Ужас Н. Гумилёва на английском языке

"The Horror" by N. Gumilev (my very first and also the suckiest translation)

I trod the corridors forlorn
Where hostile silence lurked around
Under the gazes full of scorn
Of statues niched that gravely frowned

That dream was still and full of gloom
The sombre space seemed grey and odd
And like a pendulum of doom
My step resounded as I trod

And there — where darkness lay the thickest
My fearful eyes had been dismayed
By an obscure and ominous figure
That loomed in other statues' shade

I then approached, and primal horror
Imbued its fangs into my soul
I saw in this delirious torpor
A hyena's head malformed and foul

In blood was the pointy muzzle tainted
The hollow orbits gaped with void
The rasping timbre snarled with hatred:
"You've strayed too far, with you I'll toy!"

Moments of dread ran by insanely
And haze deluged the ancient hall
With the pallid horror still remaining
In countless mirrors on the walls

Оригинал:

Я долго шёл по коридорам,
Кругом, как враг, таилась тишь.
На пришлеца враждебным взором
Смотрели статуи из ниш.

В угрюмом сне застыли вещи,
Был странен серый полумрак,
И точно маятник зловещий,
Звучал мой одинокий шаг.

И там, где глубже сумрак хмурый,
Мой взор горящий был смущён
Едва заметною фигурой
В тени столпившихся колонн.

Я подошёл, и вот мгновенный,
Как зверь, в меня вцепился страх:
Я встретил голову гиены
На стройных девичьих плечах.

На острой морде кровь налипла,
Глаза зияли пустотой,
И мерзко крался шопот хриплый:
«Ты сам пришёл сюда, ты мой!»

Мгновенья страшные бежали,
И наплывала полумгла,
И бледный ужас повторяли
Бесчисленные зеркала.


Рецензии
This poem is incredibly powerful, but some of the translation feels mechanical. I don't feel the same premonition of animal horror in the beginning. Also, the original flows like a reminiscence of a dream, not so much like a story. I think this part still needs work:

The dream was still and full of gloom (just two lines after "full of scorn")
The sombre space seemed grey and odd (too much rhythmical similarity with the first line, "full of gloom" vs. "grey and odd" makes it sound mechanical, kind of like "one and two")
And like a pendulum of doom (love this phrase, but I'd try to avoid rhyming "doom" and "gloom")
My step resounded as I trod

And where the darkness lay the thickest (an extra syllable, distracts from the flow)
My fearful eyes have been dismayed ("have been" feels odd, again as if you put it there mechanically, to keep the line going)
By an obscure and ominous figure
That loomed in other statues' shade ("other" doesn't make sense, and then "столпившихся колонн" - which sounds so ominous - is lost in translation)

I would say, try not to follow the original to the letter. Your job is to produce the dreadful sensation of approaching horror, while individual words can stray away from the original somewhat. A challenge, no doubt. I'm not sure I would be up to the task! But I think you can do it.

Feel free to disagree!



Евгения Саркисьянц   05.09.2021 20:11     Заявить о нарушении
Thank you so much for so many useful observations! It's actually the very first poem I've ever attempted to translate. Your perspective is very peculiar in a good way, because I've always been bothered by some other lines. The fourth quatrain in particular, where I've added what was not mentioned in the original (of the entire thing being just a dream) and botched the flow pretty badly. Once again, greatly appreciate your input! It has opened me a new perspective on what can be improved!

Данила Яковлев   08.09.2021 00:29   Заявить о нарушении
If something bothers you, you need to fix it. :) It is far less important whether it bothers others. Glad to be of help!

Евгения Саркисьянц   09.09.2021 14:51   Заявить о нарушении
So, I got inspired and tried my own version. I love this poem! My translation of it is not without its own rough spots but I thoroughly enjoyed doing it! Thanks for inspiring me!

Евгения Саркисьянц   17.09.2021 20:35   Заявить о нарушении