How many years did I spend asking you this?

How many years did I spend asking you this?
Most of the days I shouted ferociously.
An echo that ricocheted in wilderness.
But now I feel exhaling day creeping in.

How many years did I spend asking you this?
I would close my eyes, breathe out and plead.
It’s all I’ve ever known with my tears on pillow.
I cursed the living and befriended the dead.

How many years did I spend asking you this?
Drowning in my nightmares and in my bitter tears.
Every word is a punch that goes through me.
I’m forced to get along with these sordid demons.

How many years did I spend asking you this?
To douse the fire, to turn off the lights.
To stop this beating heart from pointless bleeding.
To bring the comfort to the aimless leader.

How many years did I spend asking you this?
Day and night I prayed longing for it
To every nameless god that there exists.
Religion foreign to me yet I’m on my knees.

Every day I wonder when I stop pacing like this.
Joys of spring died out never meeting me.
It’s been the longest night in twenty-two years.
So it’s the last time I’m asking you this. ;