3 50

Sometimes I think about life
and understand
That once... you never know when...
will come the end
And all intentions that I have
will disappear
With all my feelings, all my thoughts
because of fear.

I’m far from perfect but I always wanna try
To make the every single moment go right
To be the most independent and correct,
To be unique: not loudmouth but in fact.

To be a daughter of my father’s biggest dream,
To win the life that noone never gonna win.
Being free, being strong and never doubt in myself,
Exploiting all the opportunities I have.

I always wait for perfect moment, perfect way
To say the things I really feel and want to say,
To do the things I really want and know I should
But almost never go further than “I would”...

I never wait to break, to fight, to run away,
But when it comes to something good I’m always late.
And when i want to show someone “piece of love”
I’m always stopped by paranoid “it’s not enough”.

Inventing how to give the most and do my best,
I get so frightened so unsure and so messed
That in the end no matter what i feel to say
I choose to wait for better times and perfect way.

But every night I close my eyes and cannot sleep,
I keep inside so many feelings marked as “R.I.P.”
There’s no idea any more to let them out
But they existed and they truly came from heart

I keep repeating to myself same old stuff
My paranoid “that wasn’t serious enough”
“That wasn’t friendship/ wasn’t love and wasn’t real
And sure never ever worthy to reveal.”

But what if when the time is over and I’m gone:
The whole life I passed alone and by my own
What if my father and my “loved ones” and my friend
Don’t ever know how much they really ever meant?

3:50 Soon the sun will probably come up
I cannot sleep so I will drink another cup
And just keep writing all I keep inside my head
For those who waste their precious time on reading that.

And maybe it’s my first intention to reveal
That I am human, I am silent but I feel.
And though it’s hard sometimes... to understand myself....
I have intelligence and sure - mental health.

...............

And not to loose them I already have to sleep
Though all those thoughts will never ever let me go
How cool would be to press the little button “skip”
For every sentiment I do not want to know...

(c) Диана Опанасенко