Endless awakening

I don't care how many years
I have already lived and how many are still left
When nobody hears
is not as painful as if everyone does not want to hear
I am in total deadlock bound to myself
And all my guilt is just in that I'm still alive
I stretch my hands to acid flame
I fail to know my real name

Silence, excuse me of you I tried to get rid
Darkness, only after return of pain I was waiting for your nightfall
It would be safest place under the coffin's lid
For my fading and stinking soul

opinion my mind stil keeps
I am full of sin
I end with the weeps
every sentence that I begin

nor needles neither swords
maybe poisoned arrows
More than the simple stress
But with my words
nothing I can express
My road quickly narrows
As I walk the tightrope
to a knife edge ground
Lost without a hope
to be found
When despite of any pain
On my feet I should remain
And pretend it is not in vain

I am ready, make a cut on my hand
It would be easier if you do it instead
of making me do it by myself
I cannot think of consequenses
When the future is killed
Only habbit to live is my most heavy guilt
drown me in silence, the scream is too loud
useless waste of dignity and voice
knit me a shroud
from my endless tears
I am surrounded by false faces
Let me escape from their round
build me a castle of deadly embraces
and decorate it with thorns all around
hands of the darkness, embrace me until
I melt in your river under rolling time's windmill

let me fall into the sky of my bloody ink
no past weight
no present creep
no future fear
In the far eternity there wouldn't be any temporal link
ain't it quite great?
eternal sleep...
only that worries me - would my self dissappear

If your wrath
is the only result
of my suffering
when it is bare...
sufferin' is my only cult
I try to stop my breath...
Why can I still respire
When my soul suffocates?
it wouldn't satisfy my desire
fact that my fate is not the worst of the fates.
if my sickest rude words
are all I can dare...
Then it has to be the worst of worlds
that no existence deserves
why am I just a humble tangle of nerves
cryin' into deaf Universe?
however my mind may be even more complicated
all genial is simple but not all simple is genial
Some spiritual fountain is locked but located
In my propriate mind

I can't let even sigh
That replaces my thought
If the price is too high
Why never I get what I bought?

"try to forget"
says a friend or an enemy
leave me again
just to torture my memory