Tired of attempts of suicide

I was too attentive to details
Playing with my senses heads and tails
But when I was losing I was ready to destroy
Everything I played with like a toy.

How many secrets should I hide,
How many letters should I write
To discover something that is giving chance to trust
That I won't be buried under dust?

How many roads should I ride,
How many parts should I divide into
Tired of attempts of suicide?

Illness that no one will ever treat
How many spells should I repeat
Although I cannot believe that any of these spells
Ever makes me feeling something else?

Where should I finally arrive
For becoming one more time alive?

Now I wonder if it's wrong or right
Making future colorful and bright
Making past forgotten and without any need
When the present dies before it bleed.

How many tickets should I buy?
How many tears should I cry?
Something makes me feel that I am losing all my pride
Tired of attempts of suicide.

How many pictures should I paint?
How many years should I wait?
What can make me happier I never will decide
Tired of attempts of suicide.