Depression

Lonelier than ever,
quieter than a grave,
I am so heavy laden -
drained to run or fight.
Darkness is stealthily creeping,
darkness is slowly seeping,
into my cells and reaping
a harvest of sleepless nights.

Now it’s all unclear
Why am I stranded here
losing all that was dear –
my children, my love and friends?
All that I see is injustice,
all that I see is corruption,
all that I see is destruction,
and to it no ends.

All that I touch is flaky.
Even my friends forsake me,
and their love, did they fake it?
Did they lie? And yet,               
even my own desire
setting my heart on fire,
even my thoughts are lying -
I’m caught in my own net.

The man with a smile amazing –
what would I give for his gazing?
How was I so crazy
to trade my God for a smile?
Why did I take his bait?
Is this my choice or fate?
I am by the Hades’ gate
dejected, crushed and defiled.

Darkness envelops my mind,
darkness surrounds my body,
darkness is spreading around me
and saturates my soul,
but I’ve lost the power
to tackle this darkest hour
that is designed to devour
and to consume me whole.

Everyone seems so vain –
only lust and gain.
Everything seems profane,
hollow under the crust.
Only a shallow smoothness,
everyone seems so ruthless,
everything seems so useless –
nothing that I can trust.

Even my hope is sliding -
where’s the hand that was guiding?
Even my Lord is hiding,
leaving me all alone,
leaving me in despair,
facing the evil’s glare -
no-one even to share
my innermost groan.

Darkness inside my body,
darkness inside my mind,
darkness inside my soul
where’s a glimmer of light?
All that I hear is lies,
all that I do backfires,
my spirit silently cries,
exhausted and crushed to fight.

Nothing would give me a cheer,
death is alarmingly near,
but I have no fear
sniffing her rotten breath.
Let it be! Life is unfair –
I will escape from its snare,
from its disheartening stare –
I could not care less.

I wouldn’t say ‘no’ –
this world is only a show
and, with its sinister glow,
it’s doomed to die anyway.
It’s filthy, absurd and seedy.
If only death can be speedy,
I would be, perhaps, even pleading
for her to take me away.

Do I feel suicidal?
But those moods that are tidal -
their endeavour is idle,
when I’m turning to Christ,
trapped on a desert island.
Even when He is silent,
His blood and cross remind me
how my life is priced.

How can I with disdain
throw away his pain?
Innocent, He was slain
giving me life beyond
any imagination.
I’ll see the world’s transformation -
I am of His Holy Nation,
how could I break this bond?

All that I want is misted.
Only a tiny whisper
is by my ear whisking
telling me to hold on -
just to endure this phase:
I’ll be again ablaze
from heaven’s sunny rays
that in the past has shone.

11-14 November 2010