You are my lighthouse, I m your hell

I'm difficult...oh yes, I know it.
And never said it's simple with..
My head - my hell, my eden, knit,
And that I'm logic is a myth.

I love you and I hate the same time.
Belong to you and run away.
I want destroy and save us fully -
This is my happiness and ache.

One hour I ignore, forget you,
The next one I can't live my own.
I want to break up and not call you,
But then will sleep just near the phone.

I'm paranoid waiting message -
Just one or half, from you to know.
I'm foolish, going purely edges.
I am to me a friend and foe.

Can't keep my promises, be logic..
I push away and cry night-through.
My madness only getting chronic.
I lost the feeling am I who.

Don't really know what I am doing,
Where next to go and what to search.
Feel lost, forgotten and all-blowing,
I'm loosing mind - it is a lurch.

I hate you, but I hate myself more.
You are my lighthouse, I'm your hell.
To save us from collapse I swore you,
But...seems it doesn't go too well.

You touch my pain so freaky often.
I bleed and scream, but can't let go.
And so I'm stuck without a fortune -
It doesn't heal. I can't move on...

You can not understand it purely -
Of what I say and what I ask.
You blame I am not happy for you,
But happiness for me is mask.

All bright emotions - deeply poisoned.
All joy and happiness - just fake.
It's only sadness, disappointment..
My hollow dream, I can't awake.

I'm only falling deeper, darker
With every night and every day.
It is depressive life disorder,
It is all boring, dirty-grey.

I sense our thread has torn just recent.
I can not feel you anymore.
My being without you is not decent.
I hate you...but at once adore.