I'm not of them, who left the Nation
Divided, ravished by the foe
I lack for sleazy praise the patience
My songs are not for them to know
Instead, the exiles' lot I pity
As if afflicted or enslaved
Their road is dark, their prizes – fleeting
And bitter tastes the foreign bread
Back here, feeding to the fire
The final days of wasted youth
We took the blows: broken, tired
And watched the present turn to soot.
The future that we haven't lost yet
Will clear all we do and see
But now, none are more exhausted
More simple, haughtier than we.
2013
***
http://www.akhmatova.org/verses/verses/470.htm
Не с теми я, кто бросил землю
На растерзание врагам.
Их грубой лести я не внемлю,
Им песен я своих не дам.
Но вечно жалок мне изгнанник,
Как заключенный, как больной.
Темна твоя дорога, странник,
Полынью пахнет хлеб чужой.
А здесь, в глухом чаду пожара
Остаток юности губя,
Мы ни единого удара
Не отклонили от себя.
И знаем, что в оценке поздней
Оправдан будет каждый час;
Но в мире нет людей бесслезней,
Надменнее и проще нас.
1922
Анна Ахматова Не с теми я... English
© Copyright: Велиандр, 2013
Свидетельство о публикации №113090101460
Свидетельство о публикации №113090101460
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While I do have criticisms (e.g., I think the language is rather convoluted and I doubt the choice of certain words), I honestly can say that yours was one of the very few translations of this work that I enjoyed reading as a whole.
I would change to
"Their road is dark; their prizes, fleeting";
"Back here, while feeding to the fire"
I also doubt the choice of "broken" and "exhausted". I didn't feel that mood in the original. So I would still work on those two lines.
Please keep it up!
I received your email but I couldn't send a response email back for some reason, it returns as undeliverable. I am touched by your kind words. Would you please tell me which of my works that review was written about? I haven't seen the review before.
Best,
Janya
Евгения Саркисьянц 04.09.2013 15:57 • Заявить о нарушении
I would change to
"Their road is dark; their prizes, fleeting";
"Back here, while feeding to the fire"
I also doubt the choice of "broken" and "exhausted". I didn't feel that mood in the original. So I would still work on those two lines.
Please keep it up!
I received your email but I couldn't send a response email back for some reason, it returns as undeliverable. I am touched by your kind words. Would you please tell me which of my works that review was written about? I haven't seen the review before.
Best,
Janya
Евгения Саркисьянц 04.09.2013 15:57 • Заявить о нарушении
Thanks, Janya – that's the kind of input I hoped for when I decided to publish here. The constructive criticism, I mean – the praise is a bonus. :-)
I'll make the ownership of the road and prizes more obvious – it was the singular of "exile" that blocked me from seeing this path.
I'm not so sure about the insertion of "while", it introduces an extra syllable. Maybe if I replace "back here" (3-syl) with "back home" (2-syl) it would work, but that deviates from the original. What is the rationale for adding "while" – better language?
I was uncomfortable with "broken" from the start, and will work on it. I also struggled with the interpretation of "tearless", and finally decided they were that way not because of lack of reasons to cry, or some superhuman ability to conceal emotion, but because whatever tears they had dried up long ago - hence my translation as "exhausted". If you give me a hint of how you interpret "бесслезней", I may be able to fix that as well.
I'd also appreciate some insight on "Надменнее": "haughtier" and "prouder" were equal contenders, but I decided not to meddle with what I did not understand fully.
My (under-published) review was of your translation of the same poem, I think it is visible if you go there directly.
Thanks again,
Veliander.
Велиандр 04.09.2013 20:02 Заявить о нарушении
I'll make the ownership of the road and prizes more obvious – it was the singular of "exile" that blocked me from seeing this path.
I'm not so sure about the insertion of "while", it introduces an extra syllable. Maybe if I replace "back here" (3-syl) with "back home" (2-syl) it would work, but that deviates from the original. What is the rationale for adding "while" – better language?
I was uncomfortable with "broken" from the start, and will work on it. I also struggled with the interpretation of "tearless", and finally decided they were that way not because of lack of reasons to cry, or some superhuman ability to conceal emotion, but because whatever tears they had dried up long ago - hence my translation as "exhausted". If you give me a hint of how you interpret "бесслезней", I may be able to fix that as well.
I'd also appreciate some insight on "Надменнее": "haughtier" and "prouder" were equal contenders, but I decided not to meddle with what I did not understand fully.
My (under-published) review was of your translation of the same poem, I think it is visible if you go there directly.
Thanks again,
Veliander.
Велиандр 04.09.2013 20:02 Заявить о нарушении
I found your review there. I have made one of the changes you mentioned. Hesitant about the other for some reason... As for the choice of word I think what you have is good. I personally used to think "disdainful" but couldn't fit it in. I wish I could say that I know 100% what it is she meant.
Евгения Саркисьянц 05.09.2013 16:34 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 05.09.2013 16:34 Заявить о нарушении
I suppose the best way to tell my interpretation is to see my own translation, which you did... I almost read all three of those adjectives as "lacking love, compassion, depth and culture." I am likely somewhat off so would never impose my thinking.
Евгения Саркисьянц 05.09.2013 16:42 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 05.09.2013 16:42 Заявить о нарушении
I'm with you (re: second "that") - I wasn't so sure about it myself. Maybe get rid of the preposition altogether: "His bitter-tasting foreign bread?" Nah... Speaking of that, perhaps "And bitter – their foreign bread" would work better in mine after yesterdays conversion to plural?
Is the fact that I'm eating a sourdough sandwich while typing this hilarious or sacrilegious? :-)
Велиандр 05.09.2013 19:37 Заявить о нарушении
Is the fact that I'm eating a sourdough sandwich while typing this hilarious or sacrilegious? :-)
Велиандр 05.09.2013 19:37 Заявить о нарушении