Freak-head

My tender, sweetest, lovely boy,
I think I'm older than you think.
I know, I'm silly, can't bring joy..
So let's close eyes and take a drink.
I want to have a smoke in lungs,
I want a bitter taste in mouth..
You know my head is so much weird.
I want to get lost in the crowds.
I have no clue why have you chosen
A hardest way to be with me.
My heart is burning, then it's frozen -
I'm winter queen, I can not give.
I can not give what you expect,
I can not be what you want to,
I can not warmth for you reflect,
And superstition can't taboo.
I'm cruel, I'm mean and selfish too,
I am so difficult and freak.
I know, I know it's hard for you
And you are feeling for it weak.
I know you can't do much about it,
I know I'm executioner sometimes,
I know that you don't want us to split,
And I don't want it either. Trust.
My head is hell and thoughts are devils,
They move chaotically through.
I capture you on many levels
If only you have seen and knew.
But please believe on what I say -
I never mean a harm for you.
I really want for you to stay,
To be just mine, to know I'm whom.
It is so often I get lost
In my own head, my labyrinth.
I have a monster at each turn,
And somewhere prince with fairy-tail.
I am so sorry for you dear,
That you have face it all with me.
I know I'm sowing only fear,
By hiding answers and the key.
If you'll feel better - I admit
That there is no key and no rule
To understand my way of life,
My thoughts, my heart, my only tool.
I can not hold you, can not keep,
If you would ever want to go.
Of course I'll try to fight and sweep,
If you decide it - even so.
On other hand I understand
I terrify and I exhaust.
But we are so united, bent..
So that break up will too much cost.
I promise you - someday I'll stop,
I'll look at you and stay just calm.
And all the mystery I'll drop,
I will not bother, will not harm.