gods monologue

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen,
 Cocksuckers and Clitlickers!
I am the “One and Only” or whatever you want to call Me,
I don’t care! About you because I do whatever I feel
My name is God, Creator, Allah,
Yahweh, Supreme Being, and Blah-blah-blah-blah….
And I am an Alcoholic. Like my daddy
I can drink even Windex
My drinking history is from time
of unknown origin
and that’s secret my
and an addiction of universal proportion.
It’s bigger than solar system and going on and on
Last week I went to see psychologist
who specialised on alcohol addictions.
He advised me to join AA Group ,
 so I went to attend their meeting.
After meeting I found myself
 with half full (I am an optimist) bottle of rum in My hand
sitting on the bench at bus stop.
Really depressed with all their shit stories how they found Me- helping them.

People always talk about Me.
Why?
Because!
I am the biggest of the all big things, like:
Life and Death
Sex and Money
Faith and Politics
Tonight I will ask you to help Me
to answer  simple questions:
1. to be or not to be?:
2.Where did I come from?
3.What I am doing here?
4.What’s on next?
Any ideas?
I wish I am the Way the Truth and the Life!
But who knows?
First question:
What does an insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic do at night?
He lies awake in the bed wondering if there is a Dog!

He thinks that not only is there no God,
 but try getting a Plumber on weekends?!…..

Another question: if there were no Me,
 there would be no Atheists would be?

If people stop believing in Me
they then believe in nothing?
Or they believe in anything?

Other day I meet a man on the street
 wearing tee with slogan “I Believe in Another Beer!”
It was sad from My point of view.
 I wish I can drink with him so that he may one day drink with Me. (JOKE!)
And one smart ass said:
 “God’s a Funky little Dude because everyone’s looking for Him and no-one can find Him!”
Dog barking…….
But who cares?
May be he smart ,but he made not by God’s hands, but by man’s dick.
And nothing comes from ignorance, nothing ever comes!.......
The trouble with the rat race is that even you win ,you’re still a Rat !
When come to deaths: ”A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.”
 Said Joseph Stalin, and he is right!

But as for Me the only statistic I can ever remember is that if all people who go to sleep
In church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable.

I was Married Man for last 500 billion years, until last night, when I was kicked out by My Bellowed Wife for excessive drinking.
She catches Me in the kitchen trying to create new younger wife from cross ban dough she makes for Easter.
 Her Last words was: Our love starts when I sink into your arms and ends with my arms in your sink.”
BLAH-BLAH-BLAH…………..
But what she expected?
God washing his dishes?
I did create  Bible that, teaches you to love your neighbours,
I also created Kama-Sutra that explains how!

 Tell Me what your personal choice?
Bible or Kama-sutra?
Nice to see so divided opinion!
And yes! I know everything!
But pretend I am not!
Why?
Because!
I love Australia!
Truly Christian country!
I found it from Aboriginals complaining to Me:
“When the white man came
 we had the Land
and they had the Bibles;
Now they have the Land
 and we have the Bibles.”
As I have no religion, i can’t help,
 Sorry!
Why?
Because!
I want to tell you my biggest Secret:
“To all things clergic , I am allergic!”
Perhaps the most lasting pleasure in My life
 is the pleasure of not going to church!
But if you do, go to church this Sunday-
avoid the Christmas rush!
Please remember, he who is near the church is often far from Me!
“BIBLE” OR “BUY BULL”? That is a Question!
Don’t curse the darkness: light a candle!
It’s still mystery for Me, why man does evil so completely and cheerfully when they do it from religious convictions?