I’m saturated with the fall, and rain,
And with the sun, its gentle golden pulse.
It’s drizzling. Should we wait
It out? Nay.
Let’s jump over
rainbow filled,
transparent puddles,
Reflecting drops, to get to a different world,
World of aroma
above the wet birdhouse,
And down the steps of the eroded stairs,
Which has been blackened
by the rainwater,
old…
***
http://stihi.ru/2009/10/05/560
Юлия Ви Комарова. Осень
Я осенью пропахла и дождём,
туманом мягким золотого солнца.
Дождь сыплет.Переждём?
или пойдём -
по чистым лужам,
радужным оконцам,
по отраженным каплям в мир другой-
в пахучий мир
над мокнущей скворешней-
ступенями, разбитыми водой,
по этой лестнице
старинной,
почерневшей...
Юлия Ви Комарова. The Fall
© Copyright: Галина Иззьер, 2012
Свидетельство о публикации №112091101421
Свидетельство о публикации №112091101421
Рецензии
Honest? I like the original a lot and I don't think the translation does justice to it. I don't feel the same mood. I think the translation is too literal. My proposition is to re-think it conceptually, I realize that it sounds vague :) but still. Best,
Евгения Саркисьянц 17.09.2012 17:43 • Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 17.09.2012 17:43 • Заявить о нарушении
Sure I appreciate honesty! It stimulates so will think of it some more.
Yours,
Галина Иззьер 17.09.2012 17:53 Заявить о нарушении
Yours,
Галина Иззьер 17.09.2012 17:53 Заявить о нарушении
On the second thought, I think you can't change much. I tried to play with some of the words in your translation to make it flow better, but something tells me you would hate the result of the changes. You translate the way you feel, and that's the way to go. So just leave it as is because my feelings are no indication.
Евгения Саркисьянц 18.09.2012 08:32 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 18.09.2012 08:32 Заявить о нарушении
Here's my version of the translation. See what I meant when I said "my feelings are no indication?" Visions differ.
I breathe the scent of rain, the autumn glow,
The sun that gently gilds the misty air…
It’s drizzling. Shall we wait?
Or shall we go
Walk on fresh puddles
in their rainbow glare –
Each droplet will reflect a whole new world:
The world of smells,
the birdhouse getting wetter…
Walk down the stairway, nowadays black and old,
That speaks of rain
from when its days
were better…
Евгения Саркисьянц 18.09.2012 08:43 Заявить о нарушении
I breathe the scent of rain, the autumn glow,
The sun that gently gilds the misty air…
It’s drizzling. Shall we wait?
Or shall we go
Walk on fresh puddles
in their rainbow glare –
Each droplet will reflect a whole new world:
The world of smells,
the birdhouse getting wetter…
Walk down the stairway, nowadays black and old,
That speaks of rain
from when its days
were better…
Евгения Саркисьянц 18.09.2012 08:43 Заявить о нарушении
Evgeniya, I liked yours. Have you checked Yulia's own translation/free translation on her page?
Галина Иззьер 18.09.2012 20:20 Заявить о нарушении
Галина Иззьер 18.09.2012 20:20 Заявить о нарушении
Yulia's own translation is indeed a free translation... It's quite reassuring to see how the author herself doesn't mind changing the meaning to some degree in another language. I'm definitely going to follow her work. The poem impressed me a lot.
Евгения Саркисьянц 18.09.2012 21:12 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 18.09.2012 21:12 Заявить о нарушении
Evgeniya, I liked yours too) It's absolutely mine if you know what I mean)
Thank you!
Юлия Ви Комарова 21.09.2012 21:56 Заявить о нарушении
Thank you!
Юлия Ви Комарова 21.09.2012 21:56 Заявить о нарушении
На это произведение написаны 4 рецензии, здесь отображается последняя, остальные - в полном списке.