First Performance in a Circle

This friday, right at the ceremony, upstate. in a place of beauty and harmony. prayed to the spirit of the angel of the celestial spheres to enter me and guide me to hear and play music.
The fire destroyed a lot in my apartment and a quality, Yamaha synthesized was burnt too.
Bought it in a hope to play one day.
One day... took it away in a smoke!
Prior to that, when I was in a music store, I saw a simpler synthesizer - it had fewer features than the one that was destroyed by the fire, but, but, there was one sound, which caught my imagination imagination.
So, I bought that simple synthesizer.
Later i lent gave it to one girl who used to study piano playing.
Turned out, she had no time to play and it was laying around in her apartment.
An interesting lesson in life:
i lost what had; but, that which I  shared - survived.
it was so painful to watch the burnt synthesizer, seeing melted edges and some parts of it beyond recognition, as if at a killed soldier.
But, through crawling despair, there was emerging gratitude for, simply, being alive, and for what little was left.
Cant' play a piano: don't understand the notes, what a hell is supposed follow what, what to proceeds, and which note corresponds to which sound?
Tried to figure out the music theory with its circle of fifth but the internet only added to my confusion.
For years, I thought, I would be looking at those circles and squares of seventh.
Yet, something inside was burning with desire to play, to feel that harmony and beauty of the celestial spheres.
As Phoenix through ashes, came a thought to my mind and a quite voice, which never screams but whispers through the intuition,
said, "spirit is omnipowerful, you may not b e able to play by hearing; so play by spirit - just gather every bit and piece of what can find - pray and try, try and pray but not by logic: what follows what, but by letting your soul and hands fly without restrain and fear.
From my, 1st native ceremony, before immersing in the world of the nectar of the soul.... I have been asking the Higher Spirit to guide me how to play music? Each time!
On August 28, 2012, I took my, simple synthesizer to the ceremony Upstate.
Concentrated and tried to connect to the spirit of the celestial spheres and the synthesizer in a shamanistic way, as being revealed to me.
Was nervous, sweated, run to the bathroom 4 times.
Would have run fifth tine too, as in that damn circle of filth, but the
restroom was occupied.
it is a terrifying moment to perform before others that, which you don't know how.
I had to cross the barrier, so I prayed and prayed.
Cleansing was intense, i always make records: unfortunately or fortunately, no one can compete with me in that " department.
Well, what can I do?
One idea gives me a consolation: only a pure crystal can transmitted light! So I cleanse...
When I began playing at night, was still nauseous but the moment has come: do it or retreat in fear and live in that disbelief in yourself.
I played, as if in a trance and had no time or strength to think of what and how was playing - simply played, giving myself to my belief and sheer determination - just do it or what is the point of suffering so much through pain and discomfort of what go though during those ... advanced meditations.
Fingers were so sweaty during my first performance because of immense stress that they slipped of the keyboard's keys few times.
Did my best to recover and continue.
It was my, first performance with a synthesizer anywhere but a huge leap into the world of magic and magia of light, when gain courage and belief to believe and try, to try and believe.
The fire took away most of my, material possessions, the chain of arising out of it events led to loosing a well paying job, but, the fire did not break my spirit but, only, caused a fire within to burn as never before.
When people ask my name, sometimes, I reply - Phoenix...
Yesterday, was my 3rd time, i played at the ceremony.
With each time, the spirit of the celestial spheres manifests deeper and deeper.
Could not care less whether science can discover it or not.
I discovered it within and a day or night would come when I would play the music of the celestial spheres.
So far, it sounds more and more as an integration of the Middle Eastern motives infused with Tibetan sounds.
Something inside gradually to begins to recall my ancient past, or, perhaps a forgotten future!