I do not love you; my old pain
And fire has fleeted like a ghost,
And yet your form still does not wane
In me, although its might is lost;
New fancies seized the heart of mine,
But its dear light stays just as broad;
A temple left is still a shrine,
An idol fallen, still a god!
***
Я не люблю тебя; страстей
И мук умчался прежний сон;
Но образ твой в душе моей
Всё жив, хотя бессилен он;
Другим предавшися мечтам,
Я всё забыть его не мог;
Так храм оставленный - всё храм,
Кумир поверженный - всё бог!
Лермонтов Я не люблю тебя English
© Copyright: Евгения Саркисьянц, 2012
Свидетельство о публикации №112072401206
Свидетельство о публикации №112072401206
Рецензии
Congratulations! - A very good translation.
As for possible improvements: besides "form" (her forms that cannot wane in his memory??), I am distracted by the line "But its dear light stays just as broad", for two reasons:
(1) "broad light" - what is this? and
(2) "dear light" with unstressed "dear" makes the line very tense.
Could you try another rhyme for "god", for instance "thought - god" (or "spot - god")?
Cheers,
Александр Гивенталь 28.07.2012 01:33 • Заявить о нарушении
As for possible improvements: besides "form" (her forms that cannot wane in his memory??), I am distracted by the line "But its dear light stays just as broad", for two reasons:
(1) "broad light" - what is this? and
(2) "dear light" with unstressed "dear" makes the line very tense.
Could you try another rhyme for "god", for instance "thought - god" (or "spot - god")?
Cheers,
Александр Гивенталь 28.07.2012 01:33 • Заявить о нарушении
Thank you! I see "form" annoys you, too... "Broad light" is something I've heard a lot. But it's also poetic to me... as well as "dear light". I've given this translation to numerous native English speakers to read, and none mentioned anything being wrong with that word or any other... They all relate this poem to their own heartbreak stories :) and react very heartily to the translation. I can say, "and yet your image doesn't wane" I guess; as well as "but it still lives inside my thought." Or something like that... Please let me think some more. I feel these substitute versions to be more accurate and better flowing, indeed - but to me personally, when I close my eyes, the words "form", "dear" and "broad light" somehow create a feeling of a tender, dainty memory that shines from the past, illuminating everything...
Евгения Саркисьянц 29.07.2012 21:11 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 29.07.2012 21:11 Заявить о нарушении
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