Revised edition, 2009-11-26
You are well-favored like the Eiffel tower,
and I am fine, too, in my own way.
I always shine with such amazing power
when you come slowly - what a foolish play!
Again you sparkle with dark bewitching glances,
your tempting smiles depict breathtaking chances,
and, in your hand, I am alike a kite,
the cord is strained, you grip it strong and tight.
I play with rainbows and I praise the blower,
I joy with winds and see a brilliant glow.
What everything is for - I really don't know.
So what, our lives will pass as soon as fades a flower.
And yet, you are as stunning as the Eiffel tower,
then know, you'll badly grieve me if you go.
You make me stronger then a strongest beast
I pray, my love, clench firm your little fist.
---------------
Pavel Nichkov
В© By EmptyBamboo On 11/26/2009 1:59:40 AM
Initial edition, 2009-10-15
You are fine-looking like the Eiffel tower.
And I am fine, too, in my own way.
I always shine with such amazing power
When you come slow to meet me... funny game!
Again I meet your wet and magic glances,
your laughter promises terrific chances,
and, in your hand, I am alike a paper kite,
the cord is strained and you do grip it tight.
I play with rainbows and I praise the blower,
I joy with rains and see a brilliant glow.
What everything is for - I really don't know.
So what, our lives will pass as soon as fades a flower.
And yet, you are as stunning as the Eiffel tower.
Then know you'll badly grieve me if you go.
With you I am courageous like a fearless beast.
I pray, my love, keep clenched your little fist.
Like the Eiffel Tower
© Copyright: Павел Ничков, 2009
Свидетельство о публикации №109101503791
Свидетельство о публикации №109101503791
Рецензии
You are fine-looking like the Eiffel tower. (weird simile )
And I am fine too, in my own way.
I always shine with such amazing power
When you come slow to meet me... [what a] funny game!
Again I meet your wet and magic glances,
your laughter promises terrific chances,
and, in your hand, I’m like a paper kite, (nice line)
the cord is strained and you do grip it tight. (I don’t like “do” here. I know why it is here, but it does not help.)
I play with rainbows and I praise the blower (“blower” does not sound like a poetic term for wind. Sounds more like a mechanical device.)
[rejoice] with rains and see a brilliant glow.
What everything is for - I really [do not] know. (I fixed the meter)
So what, our lives will pass as soon as fades a flower.
And yet, you are as stunning as the Eiffel tower.
Then know you'll badly grieve me if you go.
With you I am courageous like a fearless beast. (“courageous like a fearless beast” sounds like масло масляное)
I pray, my love, keep clenched your little fist. (“keep you fist clench” – it’s better not to change the word order here unlike in “as fades a flower” where it sounds like a poetic inversion.)
The entire ending needs to be redone.
Feel free to delete.
Dina
Беляева Дина 11.11.2009 05:13 • Заявить о нарушении
And I am fine too, in my own way.
I always shine with such amazing power
When you come slow to meet me... [what a] funny game!
Again I meet your wet and magic glances,
your laughter promises terrific chances,
and, in your hand, I’m like a paper kite, (nice line)
the cord is strained and you do grip it tight. (I don’t like “do” here. I know why it is here, but it does not help.)
I play with rainbows and I praise the blower (“blower” does not sound like a poetic term for wind. Sounds more like a mechanical device.)
[rejoice] with rains and see a brilliant glow.
What everything is for - I really [do not] know. (I fixed the meter)
So what, our lives will pass as soon as fades a flower.
And yet, you are as stunning as the Eiffel tower.
Then know you'll badly grieve me if you go.
With you I am courageous like a fearless beast. (“courageous like a fearless beast” sounds like масло масляное)
I pray, my love, keep clenched your little fist. (“keep you fist clench” – it’s better not to change the word order here unlike in “as fades a flower” where it sounds like a poetic inversion.)
The entire ending needs to be redone.
Feel free to delete.
Dina
Беляева Дина 11.11.2009 05:13 • Заявить о нарушении
Hi Dina,
This is another strong critique which I need so much.
When you come slow to meet me... [what a] funny game!
This line is my headache. I'll see what I can do to make it smoother.
"funy game" -> "freacky/weird game" to emphasize the playful mode of the writing and to smooth over your feeling of the 1st line.
"the cord is strained and you do grip it tight. (I don’t like “do” here. I know why it is here, but it does not help.)"
May be, I'll replace it with:
"the cord is strained and, girl, you grip it tight."
"blower" - I'll think of it. Though, what about "O hunter, and O blower of the horn, Harper, and thou hast been a rover too" from The Last Tournament by Alfred Tennison?
"[rejoice] with rains and see a brilliant glow."
Why "rejoice" is better here than I joice?
"fearless beast" - compare to "cowardly beast"
"I pray, my love, keep clenched your little fist." - a hard line for me, too.
I still am not sure the last two lines are needed here at all. May be it si better just to delete them.
Thank you, Dina for your kind and detailed analysis! I only hope it was not boring to you.
Pavel
Павел Ничков 11.11.2009 13:04 Заявить о нарушении
This is another strong critique which I need so much.
When you come slow to meet me... [what a] funny game!
This line is my headache. I'll see what I can do to make it smoother.
"funy game" -> "freacky/weird game" to emphasize the playful mode of the writing and to smooth over your feeling of the 1st line.
"the cord is strained and you do grip it tight. (I don’t like “do” here. I know why it is here, but it does not help.)"
May be, I'll replace it with:
"the cord is strained and, girl, you grip it tight."
"blower" - I'll think of it. Though, what about "O hunter, and O blower of the horn, Harper, and thou hast been a rover too" from The Last Tournament by Alfred Tennison?
"[rejoice] with rains and see a brilliant glow."
Why "rejoice" is better here than I joice?
"fearless beast" - compare to "cowardly beast"
"I pray, my love, keep clenched your little fist." - a hard line for me, too.
I still am not sure the last two lines are needed here at all. May be it si better just to delete them.
Thank you, Dina for your kind and detailed analysis! I only hope it was not boring to you.
Pavel
Павел Ничков 11.11.2009 13:04 Заявить о нарушении
Pavel,
"the cord is strained and, girl, you grip it tight." - GOOD
"[rejoice] with rains and see a brilliant glow."
Why "rejoice" is better here than I joice? - NO SUCH WORD AS "JOICE"
"fearless beast" - compare to "cowardly beast" - foget about both (fearless and cowardly) - soemthing else is needed here
May be it si better just to delete them. - KEEP THEM, BUT MAKE SURE YOU FIX THEM.
Best,
Dina
Беляева Дина 11.11.2009 23:28 Заявить о нарушении
"the cord is strained and, girl, you grip it tight." - GOOD
"[rejoice] with rains and see a brilliant glow."
Why "rejoice" is better here than I joice? - NO SUCH WORD AS "JOICE"
"fearless beast" - compare to "cowardly beast" - foget about both (fearless and cowardly) - soemthing else is needed here
May be it si better just to delete them. - KEEP THEM, BUT MAKE SURE YOU FIX THEM.
Best,
Dina
Беляева Дина 11.11.2009 23:28 Заявить о нарушении
Dina,
seems like I got the second breath with it due to your efforts.
1.
"the cord is strained and, girl, you grip it tight." ->
I think, "girl" does not sound well here. Also expanded it with 2 syllables to make a progress and increase tension.
"the thinnest cord is strained, you grip it greatly tight."
2. "[rejoice] with rains and see a brilliant glow."
Why "rejoice" is better here than I joice? - NO SUCH WORD AS "JOICE"
Sorry, I meant "I joy". So, why do you think "rejoice" is better here then "I joy"?
On my ear, "I joy" sounds better in this environment.
3. "fearless beast" – finally, agreed. And the meter has been aligned in the last lines.
And yes, I believe two final lines are necessary. They create a strong conclusion.
And do you still think the last line does not sound well?
Also performed some more editing to make it sound more precise and to improve the development of the flow, to create a strong "wave of flow".
Also think the title is improper.
Don't want to post the new edition right now, let it ripen. But to let you see it whole, here it is:
The Eiffel Tower Sonnet
You are fine-looking like the Eiffel tower.
And I am fine, too, in my own way.
I shine like mirrors with unearthly power
When you come slow to meet me – timeless play!
Again I meet your wet bewitching glances,
your tempting smiles foresee terrific chances,
and, in your hand, I am alike a paper kite,
the thinnest cord is strained, you grip it greatly tight.
I play with rainbows and I praise the blower,
I joy with stars and rains, I see a brilliant glow.
What everything is for - I really don't know.
So what, our lives will pass as soon as fades a flower.
And yet, you are as stunning as the Eiffel tower.
Then know you'll badly grieve me if you go.
With you I am courageous like a beast.
I pray, my love, keep clenched your little fist.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Again, many thanks for your priceless help!
And, again, what can I do for you? Your time is most precious resource. Be sure, I easily can accept disinterested aid; and be aware, I am ready to repay. Points, comments or any other distant service. Just let me know.
Pavel
Павел Ничков 12.11.2009 11:59 Заявить о нарушении
seems like I got the second breath with it due to your efforts.
1.
"the cord is strained and, girl, you grip it tight." ->
I think, "girl" does not sound well here. Also expanded it with 2 syllables to make a progress and increase tension.
"the thinnest cord is strained, you grip it greatly tight."
2. "[rejoice] with rains and see a brilliant glow."
Why "rejoice" is better here than I joice? - NO SUCH WORD AS "JOICE"
Sorry, I meant "I joy". So, why do you think "rejoice" is better here then "I joy"?
On my ear, "I joy" sounds better in this environment.
3. "fearless beast" – finally, agreed. And the meter has been aligned in the last lines.
And yes, I believe two final lines are necessary. They create a strong conclusion.
And do you still think the last line does not sound well?
Also performed some more editing to make it sound more precise and to improve the development of the flow, to create a strong "wave of flow".
Also think the title is improper.
Don't want to post the new edition right now, let it ripen. But to let you see it whole, here it is:
The Eiffel Tower Sonnet
You are fine-looking like the Eiffel tower.
And I am fine, too, in my own way.
I shine like mirrors with unearthly power
When you come slow to meet me – timeless play!
Again I meet your wet bewitching glances,
your tempting smiles foresee terrific chances,
and, in your hand, I am alike a paper kite,
the thinnest cord is strained, you grip it greatly tight.
I play with rainbows and I praise the blower,
I joy with stars and rains, I see a brilliant glow.
What everything is for - I really don't know.
So what, our lives will pass as soon as fades a flower.
And yet, you are as stunning as the Eiffel tower.
Then know you'll badly grieve me if you go.
With you I am courageous like a beast.
I pray, my love, keep clenched your little fist.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Again, many thanks for your priceless help!
And, again, what can I do for you? Your time is most precious resource. Be sure, I easily can accept disinterested aid; and be aware, I am ready to repay. Points, comments or any other distant service. Just let me know.
Pavel
Павел Ничков 12.11.2009 11:59 Заявить о нарушении