And in the end he was to be.
The skyline luminous and mystic,
The lovely dream on Christmas Eve,
The polyphonic wind of Easter,
The vines of red, rich and intense,
The waterfalls in shady gardens,
Two dragonflies on iron fence
Foreboded love all of a sudden.
I could not help believing then
He’d be a friend of mine forever
When down the stony path I ran
On sunny days hotter than ever.
14 августа 2009
Оригинал «Все обещало мне его …» А.Ахматовой
And In The End He Was To Be - А. Ахматова
© Copyright: Марина Ермолова, 2009
Свидетельство о публикации №109082405201
Свидетельство о публикации №109082405201
Рецензии
Marina,
This is a very nice work. You did excellent job staying true to the original meter of the poem.
I have couple of suggestions. Please let me know if you are interested to hear them.
Best regards,
Dina
Беляева Дина 24.08.2009 21:02 • Заявить о нарушении
This is a very nice work. You did excellent job staying true to the original meter of the poem.
I have couple of suggestions. Please let me know if you are interested to hear them.
Best regards,
Dina
Беляева Дина 24.08.2009 21:02 • Заявить о нарушении
Dear Dina,
Thank you for your response which is honey on my heart ‘cause I have not received any comments on my English translations yet. Of course I‘m interested in any suggestions. Though regular rhythm is not typical of English verses I just can’t break the spell of the Russian iambus. That’s why I’m curious what does it sound like to the English ear.
I’m looking forward to your suggestions.
With very best regards,
Marina.
Марина Ермолова 24.08.2009 21:38 Заявить о нарушении
Thank you for your response which is honey on my heart ‘cause I have not received any comments on my English translations yet. Of course I‘m interested in any suggestions. Though regular rhythm is not typical of English verses I just can’t break the spell of the Russian iambus. That’s why I’m curious what does it sound like to the English ear.
I’m looking forward to your suggestions.
With very best regards,
Marina.
Марина Ермолова 24.08.2009 21:38 Заявить о нарушении
Marina,
In the line "The fountains in our garden" the iambic meter is broken.
"our" has only one syllable. How about using "shady" or something like this?
Also "waterfalls" fits perfectly there and is a more precise word choice.
The line "On sunny days hotter than ever" also needs to be revised, because the word stress falls on the first syllable in 'hotter' and breaks the rythm.
The first line sounds very poetic, yet it would be nice to bring it closer to the original meaning (he was promised to me). Think about it.
Overall, your translation is very-very good.
It is so encouraging to finally find someone who actually gets it.
Look forward to reading more of your work!
Best wishes,
Dina
And in the end he was to be.
Беляева Дина 24.08.2009 23:39 Заявить о нарушении
In the line "The fountains in our garden" the iambic meter is broken.
"our" has only one syllable. How about using "shady" or something like this?
Also "waterfalls" fits perfectly there and is a more precise word choice.
The line "On sunny days hotter than ever" also needs to be revised, because the word stress falls on the first syllable in 'hotter' and breaks the rythm.
The first line sounds very poetic, yet it would be nice to bring it closer to the original meaning (he was promised to me). Think about it.
Overall, your translation is very-very good.
It is so encouraging to finally find someone who actually gets it.
Look forward to reading more of your work!
Best wishes,
Dina
And in the end he was to be.
Беляева Дина 24.08.2009 23:39 Заявить о нарушении
Dear Dina,
I do appreciate your attention.
To say the truth I haven’t noticed that the sixth line is lacking an unstressed syllable before “garden”. But I agree with you, it would sound better with a disyllabic word. In this case I should build Plural of “garden”. OK, let’s stick to the original and translate “водопады” as “waterfalls” especially as waterfalls and fountains are different things. “Fountain” was just the first association with a park to come to my mind.
I will ponder on the last line yet but I don’t want to change the first one because it came to me in the very beginning and gave me an impulse to carry out this work. I believe it suites the poem.
Could you also tell in brief about your impressions of the two more translated poems?
Thank you again for your interest in my stuff.
Best regards,
Marina.
Марина Ермолова 25.08.2009 15:21 Заявить о нарушении
I do appreciate your attention.
To say the truth I haven’t noticed that the sixth line is lacking an unstressed syllable before “garden”. But I agree with you, it would sound better with a disyllabic word. In this case I should build Plural of “garden”. OK, let’s stick to the original and translate “водопады” as “waterfalls” especially as waterfalls and fountains are different things. “Fountain” was just the first association with a park to come to my mind.
I will ponder on the last line yet but I don’t want to change the first one because it came to me in the very beginning and gave me an impulse to carry out this work. I believe it suites the poem.
Could you also tell in brief about your impressions of the two more translated poems?
Thank you again for your interest in my stuff.
Best regards,
Marina.
Марина Ермолова 25.08.2009 15:21 Заявить о нарушении