Ahmatova - To lose the depth of feeling...
To be a painter who is cursed with blindness,
A fading beauty shying from the sunlight,
An actor who has lost his touch and voice -
Yes, talents get depleted. Yet in vain
You try to keep your gift, mundane or rare -
And you, and I are pre-ordained to share,
To never hoard, but freely give away.
Thus brave the lonely path and heal the blind,
The doubts will come, and in the darkest hour
Let the disciples gloat with joyful power,
As for the crowd - the crowd will never mind.
________________________________________________
Нам свежесть слов и чувства простоту
Терять не то ль, что живописцу - зренье
Или актеру - голос и движенье,
А женщине прекрасной - красоту?
Но не пытайся для себя хранить
Тебе дарованное небесами:
Осуждены - и это знаем сами -
Мы расточать, а не копить.
Иди один и исцеляй слепых,
Чтобы узнать в тяжелый час сомненья
Учеников злорадное глумленье
И равнодушие толпы.
(с) Ахматова
Свидетельство о публикации №109042200874
This is absolutely super-de-duper!
Nothing can be more brilliant and more moving than the second quatrain.
The thirst is also fantastic. My only doubts are about "your disciples" -they seem alter the meter. In the first quatrian "light of words" does not resonate with me. What esle can be used?
I'm green with envy :)
Congrats!
Dina
Беляева Дина 22.04.2009 06:26 Заявить о нарушении
Hmm - light of words? I am not wedded to this one - perhaps sound of words? But then - it's масло масленое. Strength of words? Do you have any ideas by any chance?
I am not sure about altering the meter - perhaps I am not pronouncing it correctly? When I read it outloud, it seems to fit:
Your DIS-cip-les will gloat with joy-ous PO-wer...
How does it sound to you? I can look for another word, or perhaps you might have a better suggestion?
Btw, I edited Tarkovsky's translation - used your suggestion: "And Mother hugs the child and takes him in with pity" - I think it's brilliant!
Кристина Девулите 22.04.2009 06:40 Заявить о нарушении
If anything else seems amiss - just let me know! I don't have your background in linguistics, so bear with me:)
Кристина Девулите 22.04.2009 06:42 Заявить о нарушении
The stress is on the second syllable in discIples. That's the problem here.
Беляева Дина 22.04.2009 06:50 Заявить о нарушении
Too bad you have to forgo the biblical "disciples" :(
Беляева Дина 22.04.2009 07:04 Заявить о нарушении
Your followers will gloat with gleeful power? It's possible. I sort of feel that gloat already expresses the notion, and gleeful may be too much... No?
Кристина Девулите 22.04.2009 07:06 Заявить о нарушении
As for the crowd - the crowd will never mind.
?
Кристина Девулите 22.04.2009 07:07 Заявить о нарушении
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
Беляева Дина 22.04.2009 07:15 Заявить о нарушении
(gleeful is joyful with a bit of sinister in it)
The first line is a challenge. Need to sleep on it:)
Беляева Дина 22.04.2009 07:17 Заявить о нарушении
Беляева Дина 22.04.2009 07:20 Заявить о нарушении
Ok, we'll get back to the first line later!:)
Кристина Девулите 22.04.2009 07:21 Заявить о нарушении
Good night.
Беляева Дина 22.04.2009 07:22 Заявить о нарушении
Кристина Девулите 22.04.2009 07:23 Заявить о нарушении
If we say:
Let your disciples gloat with gleeful power (although it still sounds like too much - but perhaps I am wrong)...
Then it could be:
To lose the joy of feeling, depth of words...
?
Кристина Девулите 22.04.2009 07:31 Заявить о нарушении
I also have doubts about gloat and geeful. Actually I have more doubts about "power". I know it's hard to find a better rhyme for "hour", but it isn't exactly what is needed here.
Well, I know the feeling. I was all well and done and any further revisions now look like enourmous undertaking...
Беляева Дина 23.04.2009 01:29 Заявить о нарушении
Кристина Девулите 23.04.2009 03:38 Заявить о нарушении