Ahmatova - To lose the depth of feeling...

To lose the depth of feeling, light of words,
To be a painter who is cursed with blindness,
A fading beauty shying from the sunlight,
An actor who has lost his touch and voice -

Yes, talents get depleted. Yet in vain
You try to keep your gift, mundane or rare -
And you, and I are pre-ordained to share,
To never hoard, but freely give away.

Thus brave the lonely path and heal the blind,
The doubts will come, and in the darkest hour
Let the disciples gloat with joyful power,
As for the crowd - the crowd will never mind.


________________________________________________


Нам свежесть слов и чувства простоту
Терять не то ль, что живописцу - зренье
Или актеру - голос и движенье,
А женщине прекрасной - красоту?

Но не пытайся для себя хранить
Тебе дарованное небесами:
Осуждены - и это знаем сами -
Мы расточать, а не копить.

Иди один и исцеляй слепых,
Чтобы узнать в тяжелый час сомненья
Учеников злорадное глумленье
И равнодушие толпы.

(с) Ахматова


Рецензии
Kris,
This is absolutely super-de-duper!
Nothing can be more brilliant and more moving than the second quatrain.
The thirst is also fantastic. My only doubts are about "your disciples" -they seem alter the meter. In the first quatrian "light of words" does not resonate with me. What esle can be used?
I'm green with envy :)
Congrats!
Dina

Беляева Дина   22.04.2009 06:26     Заявить о нарушении
Thank you, Dina!
Hmm - light of words? I am not wedded to this one - perhaps sound of words? But then - it's масло масленое. Strength of words? Do you have any ideas by any chance?
I am not sure about altering the meter - perhaps I am not pronouncing it correctly? When I read it outloud, it seems to fit:
Your DIS-cip-les will gloat with joy-ous PO-wer...

How does it sound to you? I can look for another word, or perhaps you might have a better suggestion?
Btw, I edited Tarkovsky's translation - used your suggestion: "And Mother hugs the child and takes him in with pity" - I think it's brilliant!

Кристина Девулите   22.04.2009 06:40   Заявить о нарушении
PS: joyful power, that is:)

If anything else seems amiss - just let me know! I don't have your background in linguistics, so bear with me:)

Кристина Девулите   22.04.2009 06:42   Заявить о нарушении
Kris,
The stress is on the second syllable in discIples. That's the problem here.

Беляева Дина   22.04.2009 06:50   Заявить о нарушении
How about "acumen or words" and "gleeful power"?

Беляева Дина   22.04.2009 07:02   Заявить о нарушении
"You followers" will work.
Too bad you have to forgo the biblical "disciples" :(

Беляева Дина   22.04.2009 07:04   Заявить о нарушении
Acumen doesn't fit that line, unless we can re-work it entirely...
Your followers will gloat with gleeful power? It's possible. I sort of feel that gloat already expresses the notion, and gleeful may be too much... No?

Кристина Девулите   22.04.2009 07:06   Заявить о нарушении
Let the disciples gloat with joyful power,
As for the crowd - the crowd will never mind.
?

Кристина Девулите   22.04.2009 07:07   Заявить о нарушении
When clality of feeling, acument or words are lost
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Беляева Дина   22.04.2009 07:15   Заявить о нарушении
But that's too long - too many syllables...

Кристина Девулите   22.04.2009 07:17   Заявить о нарушении
Let your disciples gloat with gleeful power
(gleeful is joyful with a bit of sinister in it)
The first line is a challenge. Need to sleep on it:)

Беляева Дина   22.04.2009 07:17   Заявить о нарушении
Sorry, I know. It's too long. I did not mean to publish it. I was counting it for myself. An now I'd like to makeit even longer. How about "clarity of feelings". All these words deliver the original meeting, but are way too long.

Беляева Дина   22.04.2009 07:20   Заявить о нарушении
I know... it's just that gloat and gleeful together - seems a bit much, especially because of the phonetic similarity. But perhaps you are right.
Ok, we'll get back to the first line later!:)

Кристина Девулите   22.04.2009 07:21   Заявить о нарушении
Yep, later. I'm too tired now - look at my typos!
Good night.

Беляева Дина   22.04.2009 07:22   Заявить о нарушении
That's the problem - I would rather sacrifice a bit of the meaning, but keep it within a given number of syllables:( I am particular that way - I really want to preserve the original style - and sometimes I can't express all the intricacies of the original meaning... Perhaps we'll come up with a line that is powerful enough - and short enough?:)

Кристина Девулите   22.04.2009 07:23   Заявить о нарушении
PS: I know you will read it only tomorrow - but I just thought of something...
If we say:

Let your disciples gloat with gleeful power (although it still sounds like too much - but perhaps I am wrong)...
Then it could be:
To lose the joy of feeling, depth of words...
?

Кристина Девулите   22.04.2009 07:31   Заявить о нарушении
To lose the joy of feeling, depth of words - SOUNDS GOOD

I also have doubts about gloat and geeful. Actually I have more doubts about "power". I know it's hard to find a better rhyme for "hour", but it isn't exactly what is needed here.

Well, I know the feeling. I was all well and done and any further revisions now look like enourmous undertaking...

Беляева Дина   23.04.2009 01:29   Заявить о нарушении
I like the idea of power - power to gloat - after the experienced powerlessness - coming from fickle disciples that always secretly hoped for this moment... Let me see if I can come up with something better than joyful power - if I do, I will change the first line, too - I just don't want to have joyful and joy in the same poem... Will think about it!:)

Кристина Девулите   23.04.2009 03:38   Заявить о нарушении