I'm sitting on the floor among the feathers
Of broken wings - you tore them from my skin.
You see I'm at the end of my own tether...
I didn't think my feathers were so thin.
You ruined something really important,
Why can't you build it up from very start?
You could destroy... You see, I'm not ignorant -
You have no way to cure my dying heart...
You gave me wine - the sweetest and the brightest,
But it was poison to destroy my very core...
Your tender love turned out to be the tightest -
It smothered me... I don't trust anymore...
Don't give me glue to gum my plumes of soul,
Let me be buried just among them for some time...
Just go away, leave me my silent sorrow,
Maybe one day I'll justify your toxic crime...
My Silent Sorrow
© Copyright: Татьяна Мехнина, 2009
Свидетельство о публикации №109032607583
Свидетельство о публикации №109032607583
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Excellent job done! I'm really strongly impressed and delighted by your poem, its fine form, sense and images.
Still there are some tiny notes concerning the language:
1. The verb "to bury" needs direct object (to bury smth.) If you try to replace "I want to bury..." by "Let me be buried..." you'll obviously see the difference.
2. The word "ignorant" must be stressed on the first syllable. Doesn't it spoil the rhythm?
3. I'd rather prefer "give" instead of "gift" which seems too poetic and high-styled in this very context.
Please, don't feel offended: I really meant no harm! Thank you for the pleasure of meeting such an exquisite piece of work!
Лариса Ладыка 10.04.2011 12:26 • Заявить о нарушении
Still there are some tiny notes concerning the language:
1. The verb "to bury" needs direct object (to bury smth.) If you try to replace "I want to bury..." by "Let me be buried..." you'll obviously see the difference.
2. The word "ignorant" must be stressed on the first syllable. Doesn't it spoil the rhythm?
3. I'd rather prefer "give" instead of "gift" which seems too poetic and high-styled in this very context.
Please, don't feel offended: I really meant no harm! Thank you for the pleasure of meeting such an exquisite piece of work!
Лариса Ладыка 10.04.2011 12:26 • Заявить о нарушении
Лариса, thank you very much! I'm not at all offended. Moreover, I'm very thankful for your advice. But I should say that it's a rather old poem, and while writing it I thought "ignorant" is pronounced with the stress on the second syllable, which I know now isn't correct. But I haven't thought how to handle it yet)
And the other options you suggested - I like them!
So thanks again for helping me improve this piece of writing!
Sincerely,
T.
Татьяна Мехнина 10.04.2011 22:58 Заявить о нарушении
And the other options you suggested - I like them!
So thanks again for helping me improve this piece of writing!
Sincerely,
T.
Татьяна Мехнина 10.04.2011 22:58 Заявить о нарушении