Welcome to my dreadful little world!
Hurry up to see my useless treasures:
All the rhymes and all the stupid thoughts
Only Lord knows how they could be measured…
Here you see the coffin made of ash-
My romantic sleeps in it,don’t tremble-
He was tired of living in a trash
Finally the bullet kissed his temple
On the left you see a chest of ice-
It’s so-called storage of my feelings
They are pretty skillfully disguised
Try to find them out if you’re willing
On the right there is a pile of snow
Made of odds and adds of my delusions
Every day it grows and grows and grows
Multicoloured splinters are in fusion
In the depth I keep a piece of coal
Losing the remains of former fire
That is all that rested from my hope
That is all that still sometimes inspires
So, your walk is over,nothing more
Live the way you like,try to be stronger
Don’t forget to shut the entrance door-
And don’t dare to stay here any longer
My World каким он был раньше
© Copyright: Даша Фишка, 2009
Свидетельство о публикации №109010400610
Свидетельство о публикации №109010400610
Рецензии
Dasha,
Absolutely love the story-telling form you chose for this poem. It is very inviting and keeps the reader's attention to the end. You metaphors are vivid and engaging. I'd like to point out a few minor flaws in English. Once you take care of them, the poem will be a gem. "It's a so-called storage of my feeling" is actually fine, but does not seem to fit the size of the verse. You may use an extended noun phase following a noun. "On the left you see a chest of ice, The impassioned storage of my feelings". The same type of phase can be used in the fifth verse as well to create an impression of cyclicity. There is a typo in "odds and adds". I'm sure you meant "odds and ends". Also I would use "crystals" instead of "splinters". The meaning of “splinters” goes against the imagery of "snow" and "fusion”. “That is all that rested from my hope" sounds very awkward at least, whereas the next line is perfect. Think about how you'd like to change it. It may sound like I picked on too many things, whereas in fact the clean-up is rather minor.
Best regards,
Dina
Беляева Дина 05.01.2009 02:32 • Заявить о нарушении
Absolutely love the story-telling form you chose for this poem. It is very inviting and keeps the reader's attention to the end. You metaphors are vivid and engaging. I'd like to point out a few minor flaws in English. Once you take care of them, the poem will be a gem. "It's a so-called storage of my feeling" is actually fine, but does not seem to fit the size of the verse. You may use an extended noun phase following a noun. "On the left you see a chest of ice, The impassioned storage of my feelings". The same type of phase can be used in the fifth verse as well to create an impression of cyclicity. There is a typo in "odds and adds". I'm sure you meant "odds and ends". Also I would use "crystals" instead of "splinters". The meaning of “splinters” goes against the imagery of "snow" and "fusion”. “That is all that rested from my hope" sounds very awkward at least, whereas the next line is perfect. Think about how you'd like to change it. It may sound like I picked on too many things, whereas in fact the clean-up is rather minor.
Best regards,
Dina
Беляева Дина 05.01.2009 02:32 • Заявить о нарушении