Too many odd things
Too many bad habits
You wanna keep on this show?
Me,I don’t.
It’s not what I miss
I’m fed up with all this
I fade from the glow.
Will you bear it?I won’t.
Streets are like veins
We are like leucocytes
Making blood white
Causing leucaemia,
Gothic done for effect,
Glamour taking off eyesight
Rhythm tearing up brains-
World is like testing area…
Philosophers call mankind
“destiny’s child”
So flattering words
Deserve no distortion
But souls are sold
The same is with freedom
We are becoming not child but abortion
I have a belief
In cyclic recurrence
They say that we come
Through routine convolution
I think when we stop
Striving for power…
Forget. I create just another delusion
Delirium
© Copyright: Даша Фишка, 2009
Свидетельство о публикации №109010400604
Свидетельство о публикации №109010400604
Рецензии
Dasha,
This is another very good one. I like the way you build the scene and lead up the reader to your conclusion. There is something though that does not allow for a smooth flow. I've been reading and rereading trying to grasp...
xxAB xxAB // xAxB xAxB // AAxB xxxB // xxxB xxxB
Could that be the two question-answer sequences that you inserted initially (Me? I don’t. Will you bear it? I won’t.) They are in place, but for a certain reason I stumble over them. Are they too short compared to all other B-lines? Or is because the immediately preceding A-lines "steal the thunder"? It feels like it flows better when A is one line away from B or non-existent. What do you think?
As for the English language...
"Stay on this show" is more appropriate, since it has volition and names an action performed by the subject. "Keep" is used to describe an action directed at the object: "to keep somebody on the show".
THE streets are like veins
LEUKEMIA
Gothic’S done for effect,
Glamour’S taking off eyesight
Rhythm’S tearing up brains-
THE World is like A testing area…
Philosophers call THE mankind
A “destiny’s child”
So THE flattering words
We are becoming not A child but THE abortion
Forget. I’M creatING another delusion
Hope you don’t mind my “vivisecton”:)
Dina
Беляева Дина 06.01.2009 00:45 • Заявить о нарушении
This is another very good one. I like the way you build the scene and lead up the reader to your conclusion. There is something though that does not allow for a smooth flow. I've been reading and rereading trying to grasp...
xxAB xxAB // xAxB xAxB // AAxB xxxB // xxxB xxxB
Could that be the two question-answer sequences that you inserted initially (Me? I don’t. Will you bear it? I won’t.) They are in place, but for a certain reason I stumble over them. Are they too short compared to all other B-lines? Or is because the immediately preceding A-lines "steal the thunder"? It feels like it flows better when A is one line away from B or non-existent. What do you think?
As for the English language...
"Stay on this show" is more appropriate, since it has volition and names an action performed by the subject. "Keep" is used to describe an action directed at the object: "to keep somebody on the show".
THE streets are like veins
LEUKEMIA
Gothic’S done for effect,
Glamour’S taking off eyesight
Rhythm’S tearing up brains-
THE World is like A testing area…
Philosophers call THE mankind
A “destiny’s child”
So THE flattering words
We are becoming not A child but THE abortion
Forget. I’M creatING another delusion
Hope you don’t mind my “vivisecton”:)
Dina
Беляева Дина 06.01.2009 00:45 • Заявить о нарушении