I’d like to keep your eyes in shadow
I’d like to keep your ears in silence
I want you to believe like I do
In kindness but not in violence
Try not to notice all the anger
Which’s every single day around you
Avoid the vanity and envy
But not the love-it’s all about you
A Heart s Advice
© Copyright: Алинка Малышева, 2008
Свидетельство о публикации №108060100496
Свидетельство о публикации №108060100496
Рецензии
Nice poem, Alinka. :) There are some minor poetic issues but I liked it.
I particularly like the first half; the rhythm and rhymes are quite good. 'Shadow-do' is a little rough but 'silence-violence' is an excellent match. In the second half, first of all, I think you need the word "anger" instead of "angry." "Anger" is the noun. If you make this change, you'll also need to change the line "Avoid the vanity..." to fix the rhyme. Think about the rhythm of the second
Good luck! Keep writing in English. You write better than many. С уважением! -ВПМ
Впоискахмузы 01.06.2008 04:06 • Заявить о нарушении
I particularly like the first half; the rhythm and rhymes are quite good. 'Shadow-do' is a little rough but 'silence-violence' is an excellent match. In the second half, first of all, I think you need the word "anger" instead of "angry." "Anger" is the noun. If you make this change, you'll also need to change the line "Avoid the vanity..." to fix the rhyme. Think about the rhythm of the second
Good luck! Keep writing in English. You write better than many. С уважением! -ВПМ
Впоискахмузы 01.06.2008 04:06 • Заявить о нарушении
Oh, thnks a lot for marking my mistake =) It's just one of my very first poems in english so yeah there are some mistakes =) But I'm trying my best to improve my knowledges =)
And what about rhymes... Well, I don't really thinks they are always supposed to be perfect. I mean, maybe 'Shadow-do' sounds like not really great but the whole thing sounds quite normal =) But it's just imho
Thank you anyway for your attention =)
Take care and good luck.
Алинка
Алинка Малышева 01.06.2008 14:38 Заявить о нарушении
And what about rhymes... Well, I don't really thinks they are always supposed to be perfect. I mean, maybe 'Shadow-do' sounds like not really great but the whole thing sounds quite normal =) But it's just imho
Thank you anyway for your attention =)
Take care and good luck.
Алинка
Алинка Малышева 01.06.2008 14:38 Заявить о нарушении
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