you are slowly fading in my horrible past
it is true that i'm sending to the past the last blast
i don't need this your feeling for my worn out heart
to not knowing heartness - this is kind of cruel art!
fading..
© Copyright: Риза Рэйдж, 2008
Свидетельство о публикации №108010903161
Свидетельство о публикации №108010903161
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Риза,
This is a beautiful poem. Short and sweat.
I have a few suggestions on the use of Enlish.
“this your” cannot be used together, either one or the other can define a noun. Also the meaning of “feelings” weakens the assertion that somebody is cold-hearted. How about “favors” ?
i don't need your last favors for my worn out heart
“heartness” is not a word. It would sound innovative, if it were not for the awkward structure of the last line that renders the whole line as simply ungrammatical. “to not knowing hartness is kind of cruel art!” may be a bit easier on the ear.
Best wishes,
Dina
Беляева Дина 09.01.2009 05:30 • Заявить о нарушении
This is a beautiful poem. Short and sweat.
I have a few suggestions on the use of Enlish.
“this your” cannot be used together, either one or the other can define a noun. Also the meaning of “feelings” weakens the assertion that somebody is cold-hearted. How about “favors” ?
i don't need your last favors for my worn out heart
“heartness” is not a word. It would sound innovative, if it were not for the awkward structure of the last line that renders the whole line as simply ungrammatical. “to not knowing hartness is kind of cruel art!” may be a bit easier on the ear.
Best wishes,
Dina
Беляева Дина 09.01.2009 05:30 • Заявить о нарушении