Навеяно Бестужевым... Я мечтою ловил... Перевод Бальмонта на анг

Oxana, I’ve read your verse and enjoyed it! Really good transmission of images. However, I’ve got some remarks on the verse itself. So, let us see below:

In a dream I've been capturing vanishing shadows,
Disappearig shadows of a declining day
Слегка «спотыкается язык».Приходится произносить “dEclining”, что затрудняет чтение «с листа».
I have stepped at the stairs of a tower. Those stairs
Were shaking and trembling under my feet of clay.

And the more I have climbed, so were images depicted
All the better depicted with their outlines
Явственно требуется еще один слог. With their bold, rich, whatsoever outlines
And the sounds around me appeared as predicted,
All around me those sounds, of the Earth and of Skies.

And the snowy tops of those hills were brighter,
Dreaming tops were brighter with each of my steps
And my sight has been cherished with their parting light
«Спотыкание» на «parting light». Здесь или нарушается оригинальная ритмика, либо происходит «перенос ударения».
Oh, so tenderly cherished by those luminous depths

And below me dark night has descended in lowlands,
Has descended for everything living on Earth
Хорошо сказано!
But for me there was Sun, shining Sun that I saw there,
And that Sun was like a fiery, glorious loss

I have lernt how to catch disappearing shadows,
Disappearig shadows of a declining day
And again and again I've been climbing those stairs
And those stairs were shaking under my feet of clay.

В целом, Ваш перевод производит хорошее впечатление. Неожиданные, точные обороты, образный язык. Настрой оригинальной вещи передан прекрасно.
В «минус» - в некоторых строфах «сбоит» оригинальная бальмонтовская ритмика с «перекрестием» , «перетеканием» повторов. У Вас же в некоторых строфах повторы идут не «конец строки-начало строки», а – «начало строки – начало строки».

Sincerely and wishing your translation to become a perfect one,

Ilya

Илья Бестужев   08.02.2006 19:35   •   Заявить о нарушении