My Lonely Passion

I ran away, just trying to pretend
That it's all right, it's usual, it's normal.
I took the time, a lot of time to spend
On training how to be a bit informal.

I drew a smile on my unsmiling face,
I put make up and all those fancy clothes,
Developed kindness, happines and grace,
A tiny house I built instead of fortress.

I placed the decorations on the stage,
An actress in the trivial performance...
But when I noticed bars of golden cage
I couldn't go on singing silly romance.

The lights were blinding...
Noise made feeling deaf.
And coloured masks were laughing all around me.
I thought I'd faint, I had a short of breath.
But I resisted,
And I whispered calmly:

"I have to go.
I'm tired. I'll just stop.
Stop running, playing, smiling and pretending,
I don't want to be given such a sop,
To have so nice but so dishonest ending.

I'm dark. I'm silent. Lonely... -
I confess,
Give up escaping, hiding and denying.
I've found the truth.
It is to be undressed:
I'm living on, creating, and I'm dying.

It's joy. It's pain. It's silence and a scream.
It is a gift. It is divine damnation.
It's my reality. It is my secret dream,
Religion,
My moratity,
My passion.

I don't like playing in theatre now,
I want to make my own scripts and novels.
I have to give it up someway, somehow...
To raise again the high walls of my fortress.

Now let me go...
My friends, unlock the door.
I'll face the darkness but without fear.
I want to be a child I've been before,
I smell the freedom, see, it's there, it's near!"

They smiled: "Well, go. But not try to return,
Enjoy your loneliness and fall in madness slighly.
Bleed, beat yourself, feel pain, then crush and burn.
We'll go on having pleasure, living brightly".

"Goodbye", I say and step in dark outworld.
I'm damned. I'm blessed with magic of creation.
I think I'll cry, but I shall not be heard,
As there's no one to share my lonely passion.