My trip to Cincinnati

Today was a beautiful day. It was so sunny. Nobody can imagine how much I love sunny days. At the beginning of March in Russia it is very difficult to see sunny days. But here everything is different. When Heather was driving she was talking to me about different things and all of them were interesting. Also she said that we were going to the south. That’s always good news. Maybe some day I can live in the place with no winter, with the whisper of the sea waves and the songs of the birds. I have a dream to forget about any cold weather and to see the sun around all the days of the year and around all the days of my life no matter what happens.
* * *
I need to write something, but I can’t write in Russian because of the very simple reason: Russian is not installed on this computer. But I think that’s not a big problem for me. Language is only the shape of visualization of human’s feelings; it’s only the way to put into words some part of your soul. Feeling itself is more important. Some times I amaze how easily poems come to me. Somebody outside this world reads them for me. I am not kidding. When I am writing I don’t have time to think about every word I wrote. I understand what’s going on in my poem later. Is it weird? It’s impossible. But it’s just the fact.
* * *
I bought some clothes from Notre Dame. These clothes are very convenient and have a very good quality.
Besides that it’s memory. I don’t know what can happen in the future but I would like to have something to remember. I definitely have reasons to be proud of myself because I can see all of this. I deserve to see it, to see completely different life, another country and other people and our beautiful world which we have to save.
But I still remember that the main thing is not lose yourself and an ability to remember about old friends, to see people, to help people no matter how much successful your life could be.
* * *
What’s going on here? What’s going on with me? I just feel it but I completely don’t know how to describe it.
There are the same people, the same traditions, the same wishes and purposes. There is only one thing which is different.
Language. Is that changed everything? Of course no. I just ask her to take my picture in this room, she said it’s funny. Sure it’s funny for her because this is the part of her usual life, her reality. There is no extraordinary.
For her, but not for me. For me it is just the moment of the dream. I saw it before only in the movies.
And now I am inside the cinema, inside the movie, is it usual? Doesn’t make a sense to give any answers.
* * *
Are you still without boyfriend? You are so old woman (24 years old) and you don’t have fiancй. By this moment almost all of your friends already married. You are still alone. That’s the shame!
It’s not my own opinion but unfortunately many girls think so. They think if you don’t have boyfriend it means that something wrong with you. Why can’t I be ok with myself without any comparison? That’s why I am very angry about ideas like those. Time will come for everything. Everything has time in this life. There is time to embrace and time to dance, time for the joy and time for romance. There is time for love, for real love. I’m not going to make mistake again.
* * *
She was. I am really happy because she was the best surprise for me which I could ever imagine. And she is. Thanks God. What do you want to do? Unfortunately this problem is not so wide. What part of aerodynamics do I want to study? Are you interesting in this science in general? Can I say “no”, should I say “yes»? What should I say if I have deadline March 15 to find scientific advisor? And all I really want now is to be assigned to someone. That’s it. You can’t do research well if you don’t have motivation. Is it right? Sure. But who said that I can’t find this motivation into something else but not into this science itself. I think that I try don’t give answer for myself for this question. Probably I’m not so interested in this science as I should be, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t do this work well. Just give me a chance! I don’t like words, because it’s very easy to say I can do every thing and I can’t live without aerodynamics. I don’t like words. That’s why I am not going to make advertisement for myself like that. I hate that. If you want to see my capabilities you should see my work because nothing besides that can say better what I can do.
* * *
You also said you should be interesting in everything what’s going on in this building, and if you could be, you’ve already have scientific advisor. What kind of person would you like to see? What kind of student would you like to have? It should be someone who is very active, who attends every seminar in Hessert building, who can contact with everybody and ask people about their work. But… who really can contact with everybody? Does it make sense? Nobody can. You know that people are very different. One can imagine person who can interact with other people very easily, but is this communication the main part of this work?
It is a good question. I know one girl who is very nice and has great abilities to interact with people but…
when she had to do some work and had some difficulties in this work she just tried to run away from these problems. She can’t persist to any problems. She completely can not. But what is more important? Nobody can meet all requirements. Nobody is perfect. Just because of this.
If someone has to write some program he will have a lot of difficulties. The same thing is with experimental research. Unfortunately I never did this kind of work that’s why I can’t say how much I like it. I want to try. What else? Does it make sense any trying to create someone else from the person? Maybe it’s much better to find abilities which already are. Is it? Nobody can be someone else around all the life.
I completely don’t agree with your wish to change my office and to make me to communicate with American officemates. Because it’s just additional pressure and stress for me. Is it helpful to any work? I don’t think so.
I already communicate with people with whom I can communicate no matter what their native language is.
And I can’t communicate with someone else not because of the language but because of the personality.
 I am in the huge trouble because dead line is coming and I still don’t have scientific advisor.
But I am not going to lose myself to find scientific advisor.
* * *
I am utterly exhausted. But it was so much fun. Really cool! Small copy of old Cincinnati with people, trains and many other interesting things was presented in the museum. It looks like I am in the 19th century, the boat which is supposed to be on the Ohio river, copies of old buildings, another world and another time. This museum is very interesting!
Have I deserved to see another life? Probably I have. But these people can’t realize how much happy they are.
Because they never seen what kind of life people can have. And thanks God for that.
I still remember the time when my Dad has lost his job, and only my Mum worked. I was a schoolgirl and I could not help my family. At that time it was impossible to find any job in my hometown, my Mum was waiting for any money around several months. Her friends helped us because we actually didn’t have money for life. It was the part of my life but it’s actually not the worst case. It could be much worse.
I want to develop my pictures as soon as possible. I want to see these parts of the memory printed on the paper. No matter what happens in future these days belong to me.
* * *
How much time can I live like that? I am so tried. It’s not physically, my soul is utterly exhausted.
Now my life goes to hell. I should be happy because I already found scientific advisor but my life goes to hell. I’ve got the worst choice which I ever could get. This professor hates international students. How much time can I work for him? How long time? How long time should I live in the hell to deserve to be happy?
Probably, all my life.
* * *
She said I am lucky. I am lucky because I have choice to get the expensive education in Notre Dame without any payment. She has to pay. Am I lucky? Good question. I understand her opinion. But can she understand mine? She is at home, it’s her country. She can feel comfortable here. What about me?
I met here very different people. Some of them are very nice. They are only people. Can she imagine how many times I wish to run away from these people and this country, from everything around me to the place where nobody can touch me? It’s her country and she can be happy here but not me.
* * *
I should begin to work. Work as well as I can. Not for this professor - hell with him, not for anybody else, only for myself. And I should to be kind. Any way I can stop that and go to Russia if I feel “that’s enough”.
I can stop at any moment. I can try. I should take this chance to get Ph.D.
* * *
O, God, please give me strength to live! I need moral support for doing this.
I am looking forward to see my pictures.