Raining...

It’s raining again. The blue sky turned into black. And heavy drops are reaching earth in their fall. Crashing. Breaking into tiny drops. Millions of them. Are they my hopes? A mix of tears, fears and thoughts - all washed by that rain.
Once life seemed so simple and pure. Life was an existence. Simple trudging through the days passing before my eyes. What was the reason in that existence. If I think hard I can find the answer easily. Only my parents. No, really. If there was no one in my life, no relatives I would have made that step without a thought. Just looked out of the window yesterday. Tenth floor and remembered the day I was sitting on the window-sill. Yesterday it was a bright warm day. On the street just right under my window – trees and beautiful green new grass. And I thought of that flight. One step and you would fly like a bird. It does not mater that it would last for 2-3 seconds only. And that there would be a second of pain before the soul leaves the body. It might be beautiful. But the chance was not used in time and now it would be a strange thing to do.
Tonight with my face hidden in the pillow and the tears rolling down my face, with all the thoughts about my feelings… I wanted to stop all this. Anyway, whatever we have, whatever we will have when you come it would have no continue. All the thoughts of all the possibilities show it. And still something stubborn deep inside me would never let me lose my grip. Am I mad? I am. Went mad when started falling in love with a devil. When he asked me if I was playing and I felt offended and puzzled. When I did not stop it. When told him I felt for him and it was deep and real.
And now it is raining. Raining with an intention to clear up my mind and soul. To freeze my blood and stop my heart. The storm, wind bending the trees – all that power nature has is unable to change a thing. Once under the pierced blue sky words fell down from the lips – a wish and the body lives for the realization of that wish.
The desire to feel the body, the willing body next to mine, to hear and smell, to taste is so strong at times. The tornado of emotions and feelings is overwhelming and scaring. Just a Little 15 lost in that world of cruelty and lies around. Even true friends can do nothing with the lost soul of a vulnerable mind.
And now I realize that this is a true life and not an existence. If there are those mad mixed feelings it means nothing but that I live. And I will hold it in my hand tightly. I have stopped myself too often. I have denied my feelings. I gave the way to someone else never thinking about my life. And now I want to struggle. Even if I lose the battle I would know that I tried to fight for it. And it seems worth fighting………