Belief

               

to Douglas Coid

Once she used to be just a happy little girl. She was innocent. Her thoughts were innocent. It was the happiest time. For every child his childhood is bright and has no shadows. Yes, there were those little episodes when her mom shouted at her and punished her but only because she did something wrong. There were those days when her cousin was rude with her, sweared but he was so much older than she was. It was just a normal behaviour of a boy aged 12-14.
The days were always warm and sunny. No clouds above her head. No shadows crawling in the dark. Even if it rained, it was a good day. Playing with other children – boys mainly, swimming, cycling, reading…  She believed in happiness. Believed that there would be no wars in the world. Believed that there was God above us sitting on the clouds watching us. He was wise and cared for his children.
Then something has changed. The life turned to be tougher than it was ever imagined. She still could cope with the difficulties easily. She did not mind fighting for what she needed. But with the years passing she understood that the images of life she had in her head were false. It was all one big lie and nothing more. Even earlier, she wondered how God could live on the clouds if spaceships went there and met no one. Naive.
Then a dark period started. The people she loved were passing away. One by one. Leaving only memories behind them. She tried to accept it and couldn’t. All her hopes and believes crashed. With every loss she felt hate rising deep inside her. It was growing. The hate for someone who was to protect and love people, who was to help them when they were in difficulties.
Once she was walking along the street. It was raining and she heard a weak meow. It was a black kitten lying on the ground. She took him on her hands and carried home. There she found that someone had disemboweled it.
This little creature was so weak, it could hardly move and yet it struggled for its life. It spitted when she tried to clean its wound. She knew her hopes were useless. It was slowly dying and yet she hoped. She prayed all night long for this little kitten to stay alive. She prayed to that someone called God to help this little kitten (it was not older than 3 weeks). In her prays she promised to be good and follow the rules written in the Bible. She said she was ready to give the half of her life she was supposed to live just for this kitten to be fine again. There were tears pouring from her eyes but the raindrops falling on her face washed them. All night long she was asking for this and what was next? In the morning this little kitten could hardly breathe and spit. Life was leaving its little bundle. The adults agreed to stop its sufferings and drowned it in a bucket. She only heard its last meow.
She no longer believed. She hated God since then. She did not believe in happiness. Did not believe in innocence. Did not believe in anything. She has lost all she had and hoped for. It was a defeat. She prayed only when she needed and yet it was more like a tradition. Her viewpoint on life changed greatly.
She was alone. An outsider. Someone not fitting the group, the world. Later there was a chance to end all that but she even did not have enough time to use it. Those people who called themselves friends turned to be false friends. The thoughts and feelings were betrayed.
However, life tried to make a believer out of her.
 Once she was knocked down by a car and was told being lucky as the hit was just near the temple. She could have died. She did not care. Her parents were shocked; they took her to the monastery for 2 days. During the road, she felt sick. When they came there and were shown the place they were to sleep at (an old dirty carriage, where dust laid for years and windows allowed no light in) she had a temperature around 39,5. They could not find any tablets in the monastery and were told that it was a devil tempting their faith. Tempting if they leave for home and do not cope with the difficulties. And they stayed.
Someone told them to go to the holy spring and swim there. Tree times they had to enter the water and plunge into it for three times with their head. It was about 25 outside but the water was only 3 degrees. And they did the way they were told. She no longer had any temperature and was supposed either to believe that the holy spring helped or to think as she used to (which meant not to believe in any holy spirit). She chose the last.
Life went on. Nothing changed. She saw no sense in that life. All the questions she had stayed unanswered. She never believed in herself. She closed from everyone. Hardly communicated with the others. The first reason for that was that she was not interested in those people near her. The second – she hated herself. She saw nothing in herself. She had bad eyesight. Was not pretty. The problems with skin appeared. She did not like her shape. Everything she wanted to have she never had. Everything she wanted to believe in turned to be false. She had nothing to give and she wanted to be someone if not special then just someone interesting for the others. She only doubted herself.
She lived like that for quite some time. It was a life in a fog. A life with no sun. A life with monsters standing behind the door. The way out for her was to cross the rules. She drank and smoked from time to time. And it was like a form of a protest.
A long time passed and lots of events happened. In 2002 she went to Margate and met new people there. Somehow she tried to believe that life could be different. She gave a part of her heart to someone and it changed her life. She was still alone but tried to look different. Yet she didn’t believe in herself. She looked in the mirror and so no one there. Life still remained an existence. One day was replaced with another. And they were all the same, like twins. But she understood that she could no longer have the same attitude towards people.
She understood that she needed to believe in people, needed to trust them, needed to be open and frank. And she did start to believe. The only thought that haunted her was - if I do not believe in people then there is nothing to believe in. And she made a step on that road. The road that in fact led to nowhere.
 Every time she found she was wrong, with every false step on that road leading into the dark forest she felt the pain. She felt the blood oozing from the wounds of her heart and soul. Yet like in a desperate attempt to change it she continued behaving the same way. She did her best to believe people. And they betrayed her again and again.
Deep inside she knew it was useless, silly. Yet she fought against those thoughts. Gave herself totally. Tried her best to help everyone if she could, tried to be useful for someone. It was something that substituted for the lack of self-confidence. Her attitude did not change over the years. Some regard her being naive, others silly.. and she just want to believe. If she cannot believe in herself, cannot believe in her abilities, cannot believe that she can have a power over someone then she needs to believe in others. And she opens her soul to the strangers. She tries to find the comprehension and yet her steps are usually false.
 Still those red rivers wash along her shores. Yet the black sun rises everyday above her head. It is her planet. It is her life. It is what she has built over the years. And if there is someone to take her for what she is then he is insane…..