Stretched out path… and no tremor, anxiety…
Whistles will throb and a river will sob.
Long years have dropped, as backpacks, in entirity.
Apples of evenings have rolled to satiety.
Clouds in flocks to be led – shepherds’ job…
I cling to you now so tender, forever us.
Apricot skin of my cheeks has been creased.
Meetings - just fainting – memories, I will trust
Place on the cloud? Its busy, it could not last…
Quietly laughing the guide-god is pleased.
Grazes of lips, you are testing so lovingly....
Hands have pressed petals – rose-smell to enjoy...
Skies have been painted reds, gold amazingly
Seems this charmed life will be ours bewitchingly
Obstinate God is a young shepherd-boy.
Долгожданное
Лада Миллер
reference http://www.stihi.ru/2004/05/24-260
Ляжет дорога....И вздрагивать нечего....
Дудочка выдохнет...Всхлипнет река....
Сброшены годы – как сумка заплечная...
Медленно катится яблоко вечера
Гонит небесный пастух облака....
Я прижимаюсь так нежно – что намертво,
Смяв на щеках абрикосовый пух...
Встреча – лишь обморок – привкусом памятна...
Место на облаке? – Занято...Занято...
Тихо смеется веселый пастух...
Ссадины губ перепробуешь ласково....
Сжав лепестки – превращаюсь в цветок...
Небо забрызгано жгучими красками...
Кажется жизнь – нескончаемой сказкою.
И пастушком несговорчивый бог.
Long-awaited - translation from Лада Миллер
© Copyright: А Н Е Л, 2004
Свидетельство о публикации №104111100543
Свидетельство о публикации №104111100543
Рецензии
Skies have been painted reds, gold amazingly
The colour of Heaven was burned so intensively
Seems this charmed life will be ours bewitchingly
очень далеко, как мне кажется, от оригинала
может - This life - fairytale seems will fall down endlessly
а вообщем совсем хорошее впечатление... только немного грубовато на мой взгляд.
With respect, Val
Mazlov Valentin 11.11.2004 18:41 • Заявить о нарушении
The colour of Heaven was burned so intensively
Seems this charmed life will be ours bewitchingly
очень далеко, как мне кажется, от оригинала
может - This life - fairytale seems will fall down endlessly
а вообщем совсем хорошее впечатление... только немного грубовато на мой взгляд.
With respect, Val
Mazlov Valentin 11.11.2004 18:41 • Заявить о нарушении
Valentin
Thank you for kind and constructive comments.
I agree that "fairytale" is better direct translation then "charmed", however I was trying to achieve not only content and image but music, bit and rhythm and to make it as close to the original, so the English reader could see the images and hear the music.
I believe that I have been able to draw the same image of the sky and magic (fairytale life). However I am sure it can be improved.
So your suggestion: "The cOlour of HEeaven was bUrned so intensively" - while closer in direct translation will not be correct as it has to start from the first bit. SkIes have been pAinted reds, gold amAzingly.
Additionally I needed three rhymes for the 1, 3 and 4 lines.
Similar issues with:"This lIfe - fairytAle seems will fAll down Endlessly".
While SEems this charmed lIfe will be Ours bewItchingly, as per required rhythm.
I will try to play a bit more, eg
Crazes of lips, you are testing so tenderly (lovingly)
Hands have pressed petals – rose-smell to enjoy...
Colours of Heaven are burning intensively (so fiercely)
Seems our life – fairytales played endlessly
Obstinate God is a young shepherd-boy.
The endlessly and intensively not a good rhyme, and what about first line?
Thank you again
Nice to meet you
А Н Е Л 12.11.2004 02:24 Заявить о нарушении
Thank you for kind and constructive comments.
I agree that "fairytale" is better direct translation then "charmed", however I was trying to achieve not only content and image but music, bit and rhythm and to make it as close to the original, so the English reader could see the images and hear the music.
I believe that I have been able to draw the same image of the sky and magic (fairytale life). However I am sure it can be improved.
So your suggestion: "The cOlour of HEeaven was bUrned so intensively" - while closer in direct translation will not be correct as it has to start from the first bit. SkIes have been pAinted reds, gold amAzingly.
Additionally I needed three rhymes for the 1, 3 and 4 lines.
Similar issues with:"This lIfe - fairytAle seems will fAll down Endlessly".
While SEems this charmed lIfe will be Ours bewItchingly, as per required rhythm.
I will try to play a bit more, eg
Crazes of lips, you are testing so tenderly (lovingly)
Hands have pressed petals – rose-smell to enjoy...
Colours of Heaven are burning intensively (so fiercely)
Seems our life – fairytales played endlessly
Obstinate God is a young shepherd-boy.
The endlessly and intensively not a good rhyme, and what about first line?
Thank you again
Nice to meet you
А Н Е Л 12.11.2004 02:24 Заявить о нарушении
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