Cigarette

Dear little Canadian. The poem is cute. I like the idea. I have a couple suggestions for you. First of all the last two lines are grammatically incorrect. You can either say “The more you’re trying to forget, the more you want the (or your) cigarette” or “The more you try to forget, the more…”. Other lines rhyming could benefit from using different words. Like line 1 and 3 both end with “it”… Please don’t get me wrong, dear. I’m only trying to correct the obvious things. I like it when other people do it to my rhymes. Sometimes you just can’t see it on your own. OK, here’s what I think sounds better and has the same meaning (I tried to keep the original form.)
You know, YOU're like a pack of cigarettes:
You hate the first one lit
It even makes you sick,
Then you get used to it
And later on you love it to death.
Then comes the day you understand,
The only thing it does is killing you.
So tell me, what am I gonna do without you?
Because it’s impossible to just quit.
The more you’re trying to forget,
The more you want your "cigarette".

PSIf you tell me to mind my own business, I’ll understand too.
Yours truly, Yankee san:)

Янки   12.12.2003 04:36   •   Заявить о нарушении